Dear Weed$teeler: female clumsiness edition

Please submit your questions @ http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

Most clown figures are male. Most clowns tumble and pratfall. Clumsiness is out of character for men. Is this a significant clue in deciphering the mystery of the recent outbreak of female clumsiness?

It seems like no mystery that since the birth of clowning and mockery as entertainment from court jesters and the Commedia dell’Arte, all employ extravagant costuming and facepaint. This originally was done to lampoon the female and make her tastes and preferences seem ridiculous.

Could brainworms be the cause of all of these women tripping and falling down? It would make sense if brainworms cause clumsiness.

Brainworms are of two disparate forms. The first are parasitic worms that live in and feed on the oxygenated, nutrient rich brain. Most affect many two-toed ungulates, most commonly the white-tailed deer. However, in non-industrialized countries with poor sanitation, there are some affecting humans. The most common is the Porkchop Tapeworm, which infects over 50 million people worldwide and is the leading cause of brain seizures. Most think of tapeworms as living in intestines, yet if the live eggs are injested and hatch in the stomach, the larvae can enter the blood stream and make their way to the brain.

The other form of brainworm is also called an earworm or involuntary musical imagery (IVMI). Colloquially, this form of brainworm is known as ‘a song stuck in one’s head.’ Brainworms are typically not present for prolonged periods of time, yet a severe case may cause significant discomfort or even disorientation. Further, severe brainworms of this sort are typically comorbid with other neurological diseases. One of these brainworms very well could be the result of a Porkchop Tapeworm chowing down on a woman’s temporal lobe. Also, a parasitic nematode or flatworm in the motor cortex or cerebellum could compromise a woman’s balance.

Thanks for the info on brainworms. The brain worm symptoms you list are consistent with women losing balance and stumbling. Do you think there might be other causes for the outbreak of clumsiness among women.

It is worth noting that most mammals are born capable of walking while humans sometimes take twelve months or more to begin learning this basic motile function. The human brain has expanded by such a vast degree over the course of our evolutionary history that the size of the cranium at birth poses problems fitting through the birth canal. Further expansion of the brain would be detrimental at birth, and thus certain hardwired functions develop during infancy. Of course it isn’t unheard of that a naturally selective or sexually selective trait is bred into a sexual dimorphism. Is it at all suspect that many women cite a major characteristic they seek through interpersonal relationships with men is stability?

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