Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit your questions @

Why does pee go in two streams? Also known as two-way.

Many men experience an unnerving, wily stream of urine when they relieve themselves referred to as “two-way” by some. This can occur for any number of reasons, ranging from the benign to rather serious birth defects. Some birth defects include a urethral fistula or a doubly urethra. In fact, while it has not been documented, one could suppose, as it logically follows, that a man could be born with n urethras and subsequently have n outflows of urine. In this case, urine would disperse much like common video game weaponry power-ups that offer omnidirectional fire. It is recommended that anyone with such a condition seek medical attention and/or urinate while seated on a commode. However, “two-way” is also a condition that effects many men in a benign fashion for the first few seconds or fractions of a second when urinating. This is merely resultant of certain physical properties: the shape of the urethral opening, the velocity of the urine outflow, and the lowly viscous nature of urine. The problem can be exacerbated by frequent masturbation or sex leaving any secretions that may cause the urethral opening to have a residual obstruction. When consulting with Glen Benton on remedies, he merely suggested to “blame it on God.”

hes out…

You mean this guy?

what shoes should i buy if im planning on running from the cops?

A well planned and executed crime does not require a significant amount of physical exertion in the getaway process, and this is to include running. Your question seems to smack of a failed attribution to footwear the speed and agility of professional athletes ala Nike advertising campaigns featuring the Mars Blackmon alter-ego character of filmmaker Spike Lee. In fact, the choicest footwear will be unobtrusive, and will not have any identifiable debossed markings on the sole.

why should the government pay for health insurance ? i can diagnose myself by looking up my symptoms online. i think they should just pay for free national wifi instead.

First of all, I agree with the wifi proposition. However it isn’t likely if for no other reason than the fact that most politicians probably have staffers in their late twenties answering their emails because they will never learn how to do it.

The government seems to think that socializing health care will have the corollary of a higher standard of living. The logic behind it suggests that a healthier population is a population of fewer ill and disabled persons, the upshot being more wages and salaries supplying more tax dollars. Of course this logic is flawed since it really only means that the decrepit elderly who don’t work will live longer and the terminally ill will take advantage of health care reforms by getting third, fourth, and fifth opinions to exhaust the resources.

In any case, the way for the government to make health care affordable is not to bring the system under its wing. In fact, it would be the opposite. Open health care to a free market. By “free” market, that is not only to imply laissez faire, but also to dispense with a system of certifications, codifications, and esoteric classism. Do all illnesses necessitate the opinion of a certified doctor, registered nurse, and so on? As you say, you can diagnose a problem online, the information is well disseminated. The equipment and pharmaceuticals could be as well. Grassroots start-up clinics could kick the economy back in gear. And why limit this to health care when the judicial system could use some reform too?

My sister accidently put foil in the microwave for 5 seconds or less. Is the microwave ruined?

A microwave can always be revitalized by placing an infant child inside for 30 – 45 seconds on medium power.


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