Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

Why do girls pee out of their butts?

Girls pee out of their butts because they do not have a penis. During gestation, human embryos are in a state of bipotential, yet sex chromosomes normally dictate the production of hormones to determine the proper gonad formation. Some abnormal cases occur where hormone levels are insufficient in genetically male embryos, causing Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS); or in genetically female embryos a surplus of hormones can cause Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH). Both conditions, in common parlance, would be considered hermaphrodites, though the current prevailing term in the field is ‘intersex.’ Regardless, the lacking external genitalia in a female relegates urine to dispense from the anus. It may be noted that Taco Bell is known to use certain endocrine interrupters, ingredients which mimic human hormones, and can raise estrogen levels to induce a similar anal seeping in males.

how did the ancient chinese invent ice cream without having freezers?

The invention of ice cream is a little known secret regarding how it emerged out of distinct Chinese traditions. Of the two major schools of thought in China, which had their foundations between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE, Confucianism took hold and became the dominant social order. This stratified relationships between persons based on age and gender among other criteria to establish social harmony. Insodoing, females were always subordinate to males and therefore sexism and even female infanticide was prevalent. Also, the Chinese tradition of martial arts meant that female babies were often subjected to ritual abuse from radical Confucian kung fuists. This all seems far removed from anything to do with ice cream, yet it must be understood that infants consume mother’s milk. Ingested by an infant, milk compresses in the chamber of the tiny stomach. When forcibly struck, a baby regurgitates milk and the decompression causes the heat to dissipate rapidly, cooling it significantly to form what would be the precursor to modern ice cream and frozen treats.

whats wrong with my dads arm?

He happens to have a condition known as being a wimp.

who are you wearing?

I’m wearing your sister like a condom.

what’s with all these jews eating crackers?

While Jews are often notorious for their noshing (light snacking), the crackers you reference are not a preferred snack, but serve a religious significance. On the 15th of Nisan, by the Jewish calendar, Jews commemorate the Passover story of the Exodus.

According to scripture, the Israelites were enslaved in Pharaonic Egypt for a period of 430 years, which ended at a time consistent with the reign of Ramesses II in the late Bronze Age (circa 1200 BCE). The prophet Moses and his brother Aaron were Israelite diplomats to the Pharaoh, with the divine mission of freeing their enslaved people. After the Egyptians suffered 10 plagues, the Israelites were freed and left in such a hurry that they did not allow their bread to rise. Thus, the aforementioned crackers are in fact an unleavened bread, called “matzah,” to commemorate this event.

However, there is strong doubt that the event ever took place. For the Israelites to leave en masse, would suggest a large group, and the bible suggests 600,000 men (not including women and children). This is a particularly large number when placed in the context of the Egyptian population being around 1 million at the time. Furthermore, no straightforward archaeological evidence has ever surfaced indicating the presence of captive Israelites in ancient Egypt nor such a large migration of people to have wandered the desert for 40 years.

Yet, the archaeological record is not altogether absent. The bible goes on to tell of Joshua leading the Israelites against the Canaanites in a successful invasion of their city-states. However, artifacts, namely pottery, found in the city-states of the Canaanites are identical with those of the later Israelite settlements in the highlands of Palestine suggesting it was not an influx of people with distinct traditions. Also, excavations of Canaanite city-states yielded evidence that destruction was in isolated areas and of particularly ornate artifacts. These findings are more indicative of a social uprising and a class warfare than an invasion.

The Exodus story nonetheless is not without an internal coherence that is remarkable. The bible mentions that the Israelites labored on the construction of the cities Ramesses and Pithom – both cities which were called by different names at later times. Furthermore, these cities were situated in the Nile delta of Lower Egypt close to the Pharaonic palace in Memphis such that a leader like Moses could have had a frequent audience before the King. Also, in the Exodus story, the Israelites were punished by having to chop their own straw when making mud bricks (and not having it provided). This is a detail that suggests knowledge not only of the Egyptians using mud bricks instead of stone for their cities, but that they used straw to strengthen the bricks – an ingredient absent from Canaanite structures. Thus, it is likely that there was a slave people to leave Egypt and bring their story to another, larger subjugated people who adopted the tale and the belief that it was a success of divine intervention. In short, it’s a far-fetched story with little credence to warrant eating the lame excuse for food called “matzah.”

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