Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

why do my bananas rot quicker than my roommates?

You may have left out a significant apostrophe from your question differentiating a query about your roommate’s rotting carcass or the bananas belonging to your roommate(s) that are rotting. Nonetheless, I will answer your question as it is phrased pertaining to why your bananas rot quicker than the bodies of your roommates: bananas are nature’s AIDS victims.

why do I hate everyone?

This is because people are nature’s garbage. Also, you’re probably ugly and spiteful.

Why do you guys hate us merchants so much?

Merchants are nature’s cops. Everyone hates cops.

why do deer eat tulips? is my dad gay for planting flowers?

Deer are nature’s nihilists. They set out to destroy all things that are beautiful and some are even driven by existential dread to self-sacrifice on tarmac roadways.

Your father is either gay or a horticulturalist who is maintaining his trade from the days when he grew his own substances which are now controlled by the Drug Enforcement Administration. If your dad picks flowers and arranges them for his own amusement, your birth was a fluke and he was not yet in touch with his inner self. Tough luck.

So comes de garcones did black and navy. Does that make it ok? I still think they clash.

Black and navy do not always clash. In fact, black and blue go hand-in-hand after a clash. However, this color pairing is in actuality nature’s prison stripes – a uniform of shame.

why does she keep farting on me?

In the wake of the Visigoth sack of Rome in 410 CE, St. Augustine of Hippo wrote the treatise De Civitate Dei contra Paganos, “The City of God against the Pagans.” Within this work, which provided a “state of the union” pertaining to Christianity with regard to other religions as well as the Roman social clime, Augustine characterizes a conflict between the “City of God” and the “City of Man.” In his depiction of these disparate societies, Augustine digresses into theological musings in which he mentions people who “have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Augustine further notes that this is a trait now lost from a lacking body control attributed to original sin. Now as for this ‘she’ you reference, to speak in these Christian terms (unfortunately), I ask you the rhetorical question: what sort of depravity might cause her to lose the simple bodily control of her anus?

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