Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at

why does she keep farting on me?

In the wake of the Visigoth sack of Rome in 410 CE, St. Augustine of Hippo wrote the treatise De Civitate Dei contra Paganos, “The City of God against the Pagans.” Within this work, which provided a “state of the union” pertaining to Christianity with regard to other religions as well as the Roman social clime, Augustine characterizes a conflict between the “City of God” and the “City of Man.” In his depiction of these disparate societies, Augustine digresses into theological musings in which he mentions people who “have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Augustine further notes that this is a trait now lost from a lacking body control attributed to original sin. Now as for this ‘she’ you reference, to speak in these Christian terms (unfortunately), I ask you the rhetorical question: what sort of depravity might cause her to lose the simple bodily control of her anus?

So what is it like being a white man?
It’s like a dream come true.

If I eat a hobo will I fail a breathalyzer immediately afterward?

You will fail a breathalyzer by forfeit as septic shock will set in immediately.

At what point in years can you die of old age?

It might be pointed out that old age is not a scientifically recognized cause of death. With that said, the colloquialism of dying of old age presupposes certain cultural parameters for gauging youth and senescence. A given population’s indeces for life expectancy will largely determine old age therein. Nonetheless, still an age specific to a given year as a demarcation between old age and a more youthful epoch seems entirely arbitrary. Yet, there certainly are undeniable consequences of the aging process, one of them being death. Why is it that we are plagued by mortality? From an evolutionary perspective, statistically, there is an ever increasing probability as we age that predation, disease, and accidents will cause poor health or death. Therefore, natural selection would favor genes that are expressed early in life. This is believed to be the case for a “biological investment” in reproduction rather than a homeodynamic maintenance of the body. Thus, the genome would largely preserve in the human population the genetic mutations that dispose individuals to various cancers and other degenerative diseases expressed later in life – individuals will have typically reproduced by the time these genetic anomalies can potentially interfere. In any case, to answer the question in a quantifiable figure: one day of life is already one too many.

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

Hot dogs have been menu items at a few varied locations as opted for by the franchise-holder, yet by and large they are absent ever since the McDonald’s corporation former CEO Ray Kroc deemed them an unhygienic food and prohibited their sale. It’s scary when McDonald’s deems it unhygienic, amirite?

my half-sister sleeps with black men, how can i use this to prove that i am not a racist?

You would have to sleep with her. She’s only a half sister, so it isn’t as arousing as full fledged incest. Anyhow, best of luck to you.


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