Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at

last night i had a dream that im about to have sex with this girl i like, but as soon as i put my dick in her, her pussy started instantly bleeding. what does this mean?

Dreams of a sexual nature are diverse and can indicate many unconscious underpinnings to your current affect and desires, providing sentient symbolism to be decoded. Many notable figures in the Western intelligentsia spoke of the importance of dreams as a gateway to the unconscious in the late 19th and early 20th century and it was Sigmund Freud who, in spite of other machinations in the behavioral sciences, first systematized methods for deciphering them. Since Freud, there have been considerable precedents to enable the structuring of a corpus of dream semiotics. It just so happens that the Weedsteeler extremists happen to be well acquainted with this science (as we are all other areas, v.i.). Often it is of particular importance who the sexual partner is in the dream as it dictates the semantic content of the sexual symbolism. In your case, as you have not suggested the girl you like to be your mother or any other family member (though it does not exclude them), it seems as though this expresses a lack – a desire for physical intimacy – and connotes a troublesome clinging to your feminine side, hence the pseudo-menstrual stigmata. This coupled with the general symbolism of blood is an emotional cry for help. More specifically, it means one you have phallic issues. There are two modes of action you may take. You need to begin to stop peeing sitting down. It is time you man up and stop being gay about pussy and that is the first step. If you are still having recurring dreams of this nature, you must give in and get “the chop” so as to live your life as a woman, yet surely in a gay relationship.

if i eat froot loops for a week, will my shit come out as a rainbow?

In all seriousness, it will be green. Tried and tested.

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

A time zone refers to the 24 Earth regions which occur every 15 degrees to correspond to the passage of the Earth around the Sun. Considering the fact that all manned space missions have been within Earth’s orbit yet traveling about the Earth at a disparate rate, astronauts have never needed to conform to the confines of any given time zone. The lacking gravity is telling enough: there are no rules in space. During the Cold War arms and space races, both the United States and Soviet Union space programs pursued (only recently declassified) covert reconnaissance missions, though only the Soviets had successful manned operations. These missions included a space station outfitted with a defense cannon. The potential show of military strength and the well documented cosmic littering from these missions beyond the reaches of the Earth’s atmosphere goes to show that space is a lawless frontier. With this precedent of lacking time zones, gravity, and other implications, it is no surprise that space is beyond legal jurisdictions and thus intergalactic rape is a victimless crime. This is a fact not only proven, but championed by R&D Engineer Marshall Barnes.

At what point in years can you die of old age?

It might be pointed out that old age is not a scientifically recognized cause of death. With that said, the colloquialism of dying of old age presupposes certain cultural parameters for gauging youth and senescence. A given population’s indeces for life expectancy will largely determine old age therein. Nonetheless, still an age specific to a given year as a demarcation between old age and a more youthful epoch seems entirely arbitrary. Yet, there certainly are undeniable consequences of the aging process, one of them being death. Why is it that we are plagued by mortality? From an evolutionary perspective, statistically, there is an ever increasing probability as we age that predation, disease, and accidents will cause poor health or death. Therefore, natural selection would favor genes that are expressed early in life. This is believed to be the case for a “biological investment” in reproduction rather than a homeodynamic maintenance of the body. Thus, the genome would largely preserve in the human population the genetic mutations that dispose individuals to various cancers and other degenerative diseases expressed later in life – individuals will have typically reproduced by the time these genetic anomalies can potentially interfere. In any case, to answer the question in a quantifiable figure: one day of life is already one too many.

did you really give me HIV?

Well, not yet. It’s on its way in the mail.

why are jews good comedians?

Integral to the legacy of Jews in comedy is the context of life in the United States. While Jews have not always been in a charitable favor of the citizenry of the US, they have always had protection for their religious and personal freedoms under the law. These liberties were not afforded in the Old World. Jewish communities flourished in 19th century Central and Eastern Europe, yet by and large they were in ghettos and shtetls, isolated from society writ large. While they were mostly left to their own devices, these communities still suffered persecution and pogroms.

Meanwhile, the United States came into its own as an economic power with the Technological Revolution. The developing United States could build infrastructure and mobilize an economy through means that were breakthrough at the time to usher in the “Gilded Age” where American manufacturing even surpassed that of previous world leading Great Britain. This coupled with the tenets of freedom and equality earned the country a desirable reputation amongst those seeking asylum for their physiological limitations in the Old World. Furthermore, the United States offered the upward mobility that the Jewish diaspora had been denied for millennia. This laid the groundwork for the US as a hub of activity for the Jews in the American egress of the early 20th century; many Jews limited in means by the parameters of their European life could now operate on a larger scale in the (largely) laissez-faire melting pot.

This ubiquity of Jewish American self-determinism permeated through most all areas of academia, science, and commerce, however, the nascent entertainment industry lacked a Jewish presence until the advent of the “talkie” (which ironically occurred with The Jazz Singer starring Al Jolson, a Jewish actor in a film of Jewish subject matter). Until then, the film industry being dominated by action films and slapstick relegated the Jewish comic tradition to vaudeville and to a lesser extent radio (the exception being the 3 Stooges, who did not come to prominence in film until the silent era had ended). From this film era as well as the early days of television, Jewish comedic personalities like Milton Berle, Jack Benny, George Burns, The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Jerry Lewis, among others arose to stardom. Yet, it wasn’t until Lenny Bruce whose early strip club stand-up circuit cultivated a comedy routine of controversial ethnographic satire put the topic of “Jewishness” as part of the canon of comedy. Bruce, whose career culminated in 1961 with his Carnegie Hall concert in February and arrest under obscenity charges in October, in effect became the forefather to a legacy that continued through the likes of the pairing of Mel Brooks and Richard Pryor (the latter of whom applied the same satire to Black American culture), Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry David. Furthermore, integral to Jews in comedy have been institutional purveyors of comedy such as The Comedy store of West Hollywood run by Sammy and Mitzi Shore and Lorne Michaels (born Lorne Lipowitz), producer of Saturday Night Live.

It can be argued that the Jewish history as a subjugated diaspora has led Jews to be particularly culturally sensitive and as a consequence good comedians. In any case, it is clear that when sound motion pictures brought about a Copernican turn in entertainment, this permitted the distinctly anxious urban Jew to take form as a comedic presence. It wasn’t until the 1970s that intentionally lampooning the Jew became a disseminated phenomenon (since the Holocaust of course).


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