Dear Weed$teeler

who would win the NBA title this year? do you even care?

I just want Kobe to tell me how my ass tastes.

How does a man get to be a pimp?

Not just any man can be a pimp. Some might call it exploitation while others, simply opportunism. The game goes by many names.

Of course, one doesn’t become a merchant without any wares; a man cannot become a pimp where there is a lack of desperate women. Therefore, we must understand the process by which women become prostitutes. In spite of popular belief, few women become prostitutes of their own volition whilst in a favorable economic situation. All circumstances are multifactorial, nonetheless, desperation is the domineering one. In non-Western cultures, certain stigmas may limit a woman’s social status effecting employment opportunity and when subsisting as the sole provider for children, the turn toward the world’s oldest profession is only a matter of time. Women who have always lived as trophy wives that find a whirlwind of financial crisis due to their recently deceased husband’s medical or legal fees also turn to prostitution. In a distinctly occidental scenario, young women driven toward stardom are often cut off from family for pursuit of such a career. When overconfident actress/models-to-be begin their string of failed auditions, fearful to turn back to daddy, they open their legs with wreckless abandon. Last but not least, drugs are a fairly ubiquitous instrument in a woman’s path in becoming a hole.

Few men are the bringers of prostitution, rather they inherit the legacy, a gruesome legacy from the original economists, the forefathers of pimping. This takes an intuition in understanding the niche market for prostitutes. Understanding the customer and capital in the area is vital. When one can only procure payment in the form of controlled substances or other bartered goods, a pimp must be finely attuned to the market and networks therein in order to turn a profit. A prostitute hasn’t the time to afford the exchange of goods for money – she must remain open for business.

They call prostitution the world’s oldest profession. Pimping became the world’s second oldest profession when the whores of old got their boobs rough-housed a bit much. Many pimps and the profession writ large have a bad rap from passing judgment on the rough-and-tumble business style. However, the main function is merely keeping prostitutes safe. A vulnerable prostitute is a liability and after all, it is just another business.

What is this crap that I keep having to peel off of my sliced bologna and why is it not edible?

Bologna is a common cold cut sausage of American origin. It is a derivative of the Italian sausage mortadella. Like mortadella and all other sausages, bologna is prepared in a casing before being cooked.

Sausages differ in terms of type of ground meat, herbs, and spices, as well as the particular casings. Traditionally, all casings used by sausage makers were natural. These natural casings are from the gastro-intestinal tract of swine, cattle, and sheep. These may be derived from the esophagus, stomach, bladder, bung (caecum), small, large, and terminal portions of the intestines. Pork and sheep casings are generally tender and consumed along with the sausage, however in many cases there are beef casings which are too tough to consume. The aforementioned mortadella has a beef bladder casing which must be removed for consumption.

However, the advent of large scale meat processing saw the introduction of synthetic casings. Cellulose, inedible collagen, edible collagen, and plastic casings are all types of synthetics used in sausage manufacturing. Cellulose is a wood pulp paperlike casing. Both collagen types are made of hide and skin extracts. Plastic casings are made of a polymer film.

Many types of bologna use cellulose, inedible collagen, and beef bung casings all of which necessitate removal.

Do to recent events as: massive earthquakes in Chile and Haiti, massive volcanic eruptions in Iceland and Guatemala….. Is the end of the world in 2012 as the mayans expected it?

The Mayan Calendar, was a refinement of a common disseminated calendar amongst Pre-Columbian Mesoamerica. Most likely of Olmec origin, the tradition dates back to the sixth century BCE, though no preceding nor subsequent culture of the region tracked time in such a sophisticated manner. Imperative to understanding the 2012 eschatology, a range of Mayan belief and cultural practice must be considered in relation to their calendar tradition.

The numeral system of the Maya was deciphered about a century ago as they appeared on several monuments as well as some codices that were later understood to be almanacs of the celestial bodies – more specifically, almanacs describing the orbits of the sun, moon, and Venus. These codices were only but a few of the corpus of the Mayan literary tradition. Condemned as anathema, the European conquest set the majority of the “foreign” bark manuscripts to flames. Modern scholarship revealed that the almanacs were of an unmatched precision in antiquity, describing the orbit of Venus to within 2 hours every 500 years. The Mayan numeral system is depicted in formations of dots (single digits) and bars (five) for numerals between one and nineteen and an oval shape for zero. Colloquially, in this writing system, the Maya marked dates through a cyclical calendar called a Calendar Round. This marked 18,980 days of the solar cycle, which is roughly 52 years of our Gregorian calendar. The Calendar Round system would suffice in perennial parameters, as life expectancy was generally lesser than 52 years and would not create any confusion once the cycle repeated.

Nonetheless, historical records amongst the Maya utilized a different system altogether, known as the Long Count. The Long Count is a linear calendar maintained in units of 20. 20 days make a “uinal,” 18 uinals (360 days) make a “tun,” 20 tuns (7200 days) make a “k’atun,” and 20 k’atuns (144,000 days) make up a “b’ak’tun.” The next b’ak’tun, the 13th, will come to pass on December 21, (or 23 by some formulations) 2012.

Much of the 2012 phenomena is inductive and a projection of Western ideas onto Mayan mythology. The Mayan mythistorical account of creation in “Popol Vuh” posits three creation periods in the past and from the use of the Calendar Round, some scholars suppose the ancient Maya had a cyclical conception of time, invoking a potential future creation. Some allege that a future creation would then imply an armageddon. Yet, this characterization of any notion of circular cataclysmic re-creation is blatantly negligent of the linear Long Count. Most Mayan Long Count references mention past events, yet due to the astronomic sophistication of the Maya, pseudo-scholarship profers that the Conquistadors destroyed other celestial almanacs and we far underestimate the extent of Mayan cosmic knowledge for prediction. However, there are only two archaeological references to the 13th b’ak’tun and they are of dubious cogency. A defaced 7th century CE monument known as Tortuguero Monument 6 in Tobasco, Mexico has allegedly yielded a contentious partial translation that invokes the descent of a war god. Also, a post conquest prophetic history known as the “Chilam Balam” references the 13th b’ak’tun, though it is disputed as to what Gregorian calendar date this referers as the post conquest origin of the manuscript may mean a supplanting of the Long Count units to coincide with the hegemonic European calendar. It is of curious significance that in addition to these potential 13th b’ak’tun predictions, Mayan inscriptions also refer to dates in the future after the 13th b’ak’tun.

It has been noted that at the completion of a k’atun, celebrations would commence in much the same manner as our Gregorian calendar New Year’s celebration. One can further extrapolate that the b’ak’tun celebration would be akin to the dawn of a new millennium. In the end, 2012 is but another Y2K. Therefore, while it does not necessarily predict any natural events, it does not preclude mass hysteria and a motive for declarations of war, lust, and jhad.

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