Get Ready to Suck My Chain: Summer Outbreak of Violence Edition

If you’ve been watching the Columbus news recently or have been in the streets, you have either heard or witnessed the outbreak of violence in Columbus. This rash of violence is not limited Columbus. All across the country people are freaking out over all sorts of ignorant things. The unifying thing that ties these two stories together are fingers and butt cracks. Read on…

#1

York, PA – A York man touched his friend’s buttocks, sparking an assault and attempted chaining, police said.

The alleged incident happened at an apartment in the 1700 block of Trade Winds Drive in the southern section of the city.

According to a police report, the unnamed suspect rubbed a finger along the victim’s butt crack, prompting him to clench his buttocks. The victim claimed the clenching caused the bed he was sitting on to break, angering the suspect.

A fight ensued in which the suspect repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a chain and threatening to “turn the place into a car wash”. According to the report, the suspect said, “Get ready to suck on my chain”

The alleged victim called police and the suspect fled, the report stated.

Officers found no visible injuries on the man, who refused medical attention.

It was not immediately clear if police arrested the suspect.

#2

DALLAS – A Dallas woman touched her friend’s buttocks, sparking an assault and attempted stabbing, police said.

The alleged incident happened at an apartment in the 1700 block of Trade Winds Drive in the southern section of the city.

According to a police report, the unnamed suspect rubbed a finger along the victim’s butt crack, prompting her to clench her buttocks. The victim claimed the clenching caused the bed she was sitting on to break, angering the suspect.

A fight ensued in which the suspect repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a butcher knife and threatening to kill her. According to the report, the suspect said, “Are you ready to die?”

The alleged victim called police and the suspect fled, the report stated.

Officers found no visible injuries on the woman, who refused medical attention.

It was not immediately clear if police arrested the suspect.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Get Ready to Suck My Chain: Summer Outbreak of Violence Edition

  1. arts editor

    this is good reporting!
    worldclass!

  2. brandon

    Better than the real news is questionable news. Same story, different locales, great quotes.

  3. arts editor

    yeah its amazing!
    i hope for more violent news coverage in the coming weeks!

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