Weedsteeler Drug Market Review Q1 2011

With the 2011 Fiscal year upon us, it is time to take a look at the drug market and assess the winners and losers.  2010 has seen some interesting trends in Drug Culture that will most likely continue well into Q2 2011.  The following list is a break down of what drugs to Buy, what drugs to Sell and what drugs to Hold.
Weed – Buy
Weed is one of the hardest drugs to pin down.  The obvious answer here would be to steal, but that is much harder in reality than on paper.  If you must use paper, we recommend using rolling papers as opposed to the criminally unfashionable blunt wrap that dominated most of the late 90s and early 2000’s paper based use.  That said, Our rating for Q1 2011 on weed is a great big BUY.  Since the Economy got hit a few years back it has seemed like everyone and there mother was selling weed, but those days are over the market has been flooded.  With weed prices firmly locked in for almost the last ten years it is clearly a buyers market.  The state of the world these days has been shifting too.  It will probably serve you better in the not to distant future to stock pile weed as opposed to money, just don’t get caught holding the bag.
Cocaine – Sell
Cocaine making an unexpected comeback over the last 8 years was a bit of surprise to everyone.  With republicans out of office for a solid two years it seems pretty obvious that cocaine would be downgraded to a sell from a buy.  At this point Coke has over stayed its welcome, the way it always does, out performing for the last two years.  It almost seems like the market was addicted to buying this stuff.  But, as it always does, the market went to the clinic, cleaned up, and is currently in the process of seeking forgiveness from all the people whos guitars it stole and pawned over the last few years.  With a major shift like this there are always people who enjoy pissing in the wind, so position yourself for the dystopian future and sell tons of cocaine.
Ecstasy – Sell
Just like your uncle, Ecstasy has a bit of a checkered past.  It hung out in high school bathrooms and empty airplane hangers through most of the 90’s then disappeared for about five years.   You spent those five years thinking about all the good times you had and that time you guys spent six hours watching price is right with your faces in bags full of vicks vapo-rub.  Then your uncle came back.  He brought all his Dieselboy CDs. He slept on your couch for 8 months.  He pretty much ruined your social life by making you hang out at bento with all his corny raver friends.  At this point, Your uncle is in jail for soliciting a massage from a police officer and the only way you are gonna make rent is if you sell his supply.  Its a good thing that You know the simple fact that there is no better way to ruin a party than inviting an Ecstasy dealer. Bull shitting about what your favorite pizza topping is turns into grown men dancing together in a locked bathroom.  If you followed any of that, then you understand why Ecstasy is a firm SELL.  Be that guy.  Ruin everyones house parties. Just make sure you reup instead of posting bail for your loser uncle.
Oxycontin – Hold
The forecast for oxycontin for the next Quarter is firm hold.  Make like Rush Limbaugh did,  when the surgery is over, be sure you are still Holding your pills.  As hated as Limbaugh is, he tends to be a trend setter, and here at weedsteeler we think his positioning from 2003 is still making waves in the market place.  Don’t buy it, cus you can get it for free, and don’t sell it because nobody wants to compete with the pharmaceutical companies.  Limbaugh has a way of sifting through the lies and misinformation on subjects like Obama crashing the economy as payback for american racism, so you know he is going to be on the ball when it comes to the drug market.  If you have the will power to hold now, you could be nodding off when the rapture hits.
LSD – Sell
With ten plus years of diminishing returns in the LSD market we are holding strong on our Sell rating.  I normally would not recommend anyone to be involved in an act that was once handled by secret government operatives. But, In this case i believe that the good out weighs the bad, the good being the opportunity to socially empower yourself by distributing bad trips and acid flashbacks.  Antisocial behavior is the obvious choice for someone looking to cleanse their clouded third eye without consuming controlled substances.  To be quite honest knowing that you are selling someone a product that will literally blow their mind is enough to get your dick hard.  There is really nothing more powerful than an open mind so open up your mind, get your dick hard, and start selling one way tickets to the land of bad vibes.
Mushrooms – Buy
Upgraded from a Hold to a Buy, mushrooms are staying strong as the drug of the season.  Normally rated as a hold based solely on the fact that when someone is holding, they continue to do just that.  If you really want to learn about supply and demand go try and buy some mushrooms. The constant demand keeps the supply about as easy to find as a republican at the freaknik.  But the last few months have been marked by an increased supply making mushrooms a great big, gross tasting BUY.  From Greenpoint to TriBeCa the lines between yuppy and homeless burnout have been blurring more and more this past quarter and will continue to blur until the lower east side looks like a soup kitchen decorated with herman miller chairs and taxidermy (it already does). If you leave your house this weekend someone is gonna try to sell you some mushrooms.  Buy them.  Chances are good that if you do you will end up with some emotionally distant, rail thin, blonde bed-wetter licking your neck while you unearth disturbing childhood traumas.  Buy now and buy often.
Crystal Meth – Hold
The Great Equalizer AKA Crystal Meth is getting a big fat Hold for Q1 2011 and will most likely stay there.  You can’t sell it because then you have to socialize with people who have what the authorities call “meth face”.  you can’t buy it because you might blink and have accidentally given yourself “meth face”.  so i guess your only option is to hold it.  and when i say hold, i mean bury it in your yard and get your memory wiped by that company in total recall.  a friend of mine was buying weed and his drug dealer accidentally dropped a bag of meth on the ground and left.  twenty minutes later he flushed it down the toilet, probably because he did not know if he had the will power to have “just a taste”.  a wise man.  with all that out of the way, i feel it is my duty to tip my hat to the most futuristic of futuristic drugs.  “well played good buddy”, or nice job being a man about things and doing what drugs are supposed to do, ie turning people into prematurely aged toothless hermits.  six months in the meth business will turn any white castle manager into what looks like the crazy old gold prospector from 1950’s westerns.  While North Korea and Iran are scratching their heads trying to enrich uranium, average americans are in bathrooms around the country enriching sudafed and lithium batteries.
Heroin – Buy
Heroin is the subprime mortgage futures of drugs.  You know all about how dangerous it is and how much trouble its gonna be but you just can’t help yourself.  why should you?  Ignorance is bliss.  so be ignorant and get blissed the fuck out.  remember to bring your drool cup and some band-aids.  Take that unemployment check and invest in yourself.  buy a bunch of heroin and shoot it until your world collapses.  once that happens, make like a wall street fat cat and get a government bailout at the methadone clinic.
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4 Comments

Filed under dash snow, don't touch that, economics in one lesson, fuck all y'all

4 responses to “Weedsteeler Drug Market Review Q1 2011

  1. THE GOSSIP CZAR

    “While North Korea and Iran are scratching their heads trying to enrich uranium, average americans are in bathrooms around the country enriching sudafed and lithium batteries.”

  2. THE GOSSIP CZAR

    you make a very good point about meth. im sure it will soon take off in the “rugged-masculine” set, so that like their raw denims and work boots no there faces to can have that special one of a kind distressed look, that you can only do yourself…

  3. Charles Brown

    yeah, seriously… how could would it be to get addicted to meth just so you look older. or so you look old enough to drink.

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