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Missing Boner…

Police are asking for public assistance in locating failed actor Andrew Koenig, who has not worked since appearing in the 1980s sitcom “Growing Pains.”

Koenig, 41, lives in Venice, California, but was smoking tons of weed in Vancouver and shockingly went missing. Friends last saw him on February 14 buying a half pound of “Beasters”. He was supposed to return home last Tuesday, and Vancouver police were notified by a narcotic informant Thursday that he had not arrived.

“Andrew has recently been getting high a lot and his family and friends are concerned for his well-being,” the police statement said.

Koenig was described as being 5 feet 5 inches tall and weighing 135 pounds, with brown shoulder-length hair and brown eyes, with a neck tattoo in old english that reads “STAY HIGH” authorities said. Anyone with information on his whereabouts was asked to “keep it to themselves”.

Koenig appeared in 25 episodes of “Growing Pains” from 1985 to 1989, playing Richard “Boner” Stabone.  When he left the show in 1989 he opened a series of failed head shops and has since been blacklisted by all of hollywood.


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80’s revival is still going pretty strong, and while it’s tough to say what will happen in the next couple years, you can count on it for spring at least.  I don’t work in fancy corporate fashion anymore so I don’t see the trend reports, but I was very inspired by bloodsport on youtube for spring trend forecasting.

The first step is to lose your “fatpieceofshitbellyhanginoverthebelt” look and start working out for a couple months.  When spring rolls around you can take your shirt off at the pool in whichever glamarous city you visit, and you wont have rolls rolling around.  Do yoga, lift weights, pilates, fight or fuck your way to a six pack.

Next, choose the right undergarments.  Unless you are a 14 year old wigger you should probably be done wearing boxer shorts.  Step into something more fitted, especially for the gym because nobody there wants to see your racquet-balls trying to pop out of your mesh shorts.  This is not an expensive look to achieve, as any retailer from kohls to Le Bon Marche should have a nice selection of package-enhancing underwear.

The next lesson we learn from Jean Claude, is that you can never be dressed too formal.  It is better to be overdressed than to look like a schlub.  This goes for any situation including weddings, a first date, a quick walk to grab a newspaper, and of course running from the fucking pigs.  If you can’t outrun the cops in $520 Ferragamos with time to make flirtatious hand gestures, then you probably deserve to rot in jail.  The look also proves that brave colors, such as chartreuse when paired with black or neutrals, can signify a strong man quite comfortable in his sexuality.

The final segment in HTD2K10: Bloodsport Edition concerns bloused tops.  This is an acceptable look if you are trying to attract and fuck women.  What Carney posted a while back about high waisted bottoms is still in play here.  If you are going to wear high waisted jeans or slacks, there is no point in hiding it with a baggy t-shirt or oxford.  Bust a tuck.  Here, a pocketed earth-tone shirt is bloused effortlessly over some slacks, with a loose collar and rolled sleeves.  It is imperative to appear both comfortable and confident when trying to bang California blondes.

Of course these are only four quick pointers in style, all noted from Bloodsport (1988).  What movies or other looks inspire you for Spring 2010?  Please discuss, we need to find a viable replacement for 80’s as we enter a new apocalyptic decade.


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