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Dear Weed$teeler

who would win the NBA title this year? do you even care?

I just want Kobe to tell me how my ass tastes.

How does a man get to be a pimp?

Not just any man can be a pimp. Some might call it exploitation while others, simply opportunism. The game goes by many names.

Of course, one doesn’t become a merchant without any wares; a man cannot become a pimp where there is a lack of desperate women. Therefore, we must understand the process by which women become prostitutes. In spite of popular belief, few women become prostitutes of their own volition whilst in a favorable economic situation. All circumstances are multifactorial, nonetheless, desperation is the domineering one. In non-Western cultures, certain stigmas may limit a woman’s social status effecting employment opportunity and when subsisting as the sole provider for children, the turn toward the world’s oldest profession is only a matter of time. Women who have always lived as trophy wives that find a whirlwind of financial crisis due to their recently deceased husband’s medical or legal fees also turn to prostitution. In a distinctly occidental scenario, young women driven toward stardom are often cut off from family for pursuit of such a career. When overconfident actress/models-to-be begin their string of failed auditions, fearful to turn back to daddy, they open their legs with wreckless abandon. Last but not least, drugs are a fairly ubiquitous instrument in a woman’s path in becoming a hole.

Few men are the bringers of prostitution, rather they inherit the legacy, a gruesome legacy from the original economists, the forefathers of pimping. This takes an intuition in understanding the niche market for prostitutes. Understanding the customer and capital in the area is vital. When one can only procure payment in the form of controlled substances or other bartered goods, a pimp must be finely attuned to the market and networks therein in order to turn a profit. A prostitute hasn’t the time to afford the exchange of goods for money – she must remain open for business.

They call prostitution the world’s oldest profession. Pimping became the world’s second oldest profession when the whores of old got their boobs rough-housed a bit much. Many pimps and the profession writ large have a bad rap from passing judgment on the rough-and-tumble business style. However, the main function is merely keeping prostitutes safe. A vulnerable prostitute is a liability and after all, it is just another business.

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Dear Weed$teeler

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Is sex slavery a myth?

Sex slavery, also called “white slavery,” is quite real. In some parts of the world, raptio and bride kidnapping is even an enculturated practice.

In many cultures ranging from East Asia, Central Asia, Sub-Saharan Africa, Europe, and Mesoamerica, there are common cultural practices of bride kidnapping. The processes vary, but often have subsisted as traditions for securing mates through exploiting cultural views. In many instances, a man of low social status due to poverty, criminality, or disease will attempt to kidnap, rape, and impregnate a woman in order to violate social stigmas of premarital sex. This stigma typically limits the eligibility of marriage for the victim, procuring her as a wife and potential personal sex slave due to the patriarchal nature of the society.

Yet, there is also larger scale commercial sex slavery. This form of sex slavery often encompasses the abduction and human trafficking of women and sometimes children, placing the victims into situations of forced prostitution and personal sex slaves. Typically the source countries of the human trafficking is from economically impoverished regions and areas of unrest often due to corruption, war, or natural disaster to other more affluent countries, usually those with lax prostitution laws and enforcement. Sometimes this practice merely takes place within a corrupt government system which conspires to cover up the practice, yet mostly an international underground is involved in the movement of sex slaves to all parts of the globe. Underground human trafficking varies in the magnitude of the system. In some cases, organizations are integrated to manage all aspects of the the system, such as in the former Soviet Bloc countries, Hong Kong, Japan, and Colombia. These tend to be tied to larger criminal organizations such as the Yakuza and drug cartels as they firmly possess the resources and infrastructure for the movement of controlled substances. Yet in many other cases, smaller groups work in tandem such that one handles recruiting victims, one transporting, and so on. In some cases, this underground system networks with corrupt governments. In any case, there is rarely any prosecution of human trafficking.

According to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, the most common sources of victims of the white slavery trade originate in countries including: Thailand, China, Nigeria, Albania, Bulgaria, Belarus, Moldova and Ukraine. Thailand, Japan, Israel, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Italy, Turkey and the US serve as some of the top destinations for human trafficking. Nonetheless, once appropriated by an affording patriarch, the woman (or child) is then placed in a role of domestic servitude and provides sexual services.

The only potential myth about sex slavery is the legend from antiquity The Rape of the Sabine Women.

Why I don’t have girlfriend?

Based on the manner in which you have posed your question, your lacking a command of the English language makes it difficult for women in this country to access your money. Of course, that assumes that you have any money.

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Dear Weed$teeler

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do you speak chicken talk?

“Chicken talk” is a term used to signify a topic of discussion deemed taboo. However, for nearly 60 years, a physician from Wiedenau, Germany, Dr. Erich Baeumer has been studying chickens. As covered in numerous news publications, Baeumer says that he has made a list of 30 sentences which are part of a spoken international chicken language, be it an Indian Jungle fowl, a Russian Orloff rooster, an Italian Leghorn, a Cornish cock or a New Hampshire Red. Baeumer was only eight when he realised that he could understand the chickens around his house. He claims that he began to spend hours with chickens in his childhood as he came to understand them around the age of 8. He learned to imitate their sounds so well that he was accepted as a full-fledged member of the flock. Yet as he aged, when his voice changed the chickens began to break off communication with him. In 1954, he started working with Professor Erich von Hoist at the Institute of Behaviour Physiology near Munich. Chickens were photographed and recorded repeatedly . After recording hours of chicken talk, Dr. Baeumer selected examples of clear-cut chicken “sentences” that could be related to records or photographs of specific actions.

Dr. Baeumer’s chicken talk tapes have been played at universities in many countries. Both sexes make “frightened” cackles when first they sense danger. After the danger passes, their cackling is full-throated and rhythmical. Hens make a cackle when they have laid an egg. He believes that it all goes back to the days when wild hens laid eggs in hidden nests. After each delivery, the hen gave a loud cackle to regain contact with the rest of the flock. Chickens make screams of distress; they have battle cries and calls for privacy. Hens lead their chicks to food with a gentle “Tuck-tuck-tuck,” and roosters entice pretty young hens with soft cooing. According to Baeumer’s opinion, chicken behaviour is not too different from human behavior nor is chicken talk.

In any case, in the first metaphorical use of chicken talk, all members of Weedsteeler are fluent and readily practice chicken talk. The latter sense of the term is questionable.

Why can’t someone have their cake and eat it too?

To eat one’s cake is to no longer have it, and therefore the statement is an invocation of the law of the excluded middle, a law of classical logic that limits the range of possibility to the truth of a given proposition or the truth of the proposition’s negation. However, it must be considered that the logical expression has the ramifications of imposing the semantic principles of bivalence and contravalence; simply put, the statement must be either true or false. Yet, to eat cake can be semantically ambiguous and does not of necessity imply that all cake is eaten – cake does not cease to be cake by the mere process of eating until the cake is completely gone. Yet even still, it is questionable as to where a line of demarcation may be drawn between some signifiers such as “cake”, “crumb”, “vomit”, “feces” and other potential transformations of the cake to signify essential cessation. Supposing some but not all of the cake is eaten, would then defy this order of classical logic and further serve as a counterexample to invalidate the referenced proverb. So, it is perfectly cogent for at a given time to have cake and eat it too.

how can i tell if homeboy is liking it?

Please refer to this answer: http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler/q/552024273

can man walk on water?

Yes, it is called ice.

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Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

last night i had a dream that im about to have sex with this girl i like, but as soon as i put my dick in her, her pussy started instantly bleeding. what does this mean?

Dreams of a sexual nature are diverse and can indicate many unconscious underpinnings to your current affect and desires, providing sentient symbolism to be decoded. Many notable figures in the Western intelligentsia spoke of the importance of dreams as a gateway to the unconscious in the late 19th and early 20th century and it was Sigmund Freud who, in spite of other machinations in the behavioral sciences, first systematized methods for deciphering them. Since Freud, there have been considerable precedents to enable the structuring of a corpus of dream semiotics. It just so happens that the Weedsteeler extremists happen to be well acquainted with this science (as we are all other areas, v.i.). Often it is of particular importance who the sexual partner is in the dream as it dictates the semantic content of the sexual symbolism. In your case, as you have not suggested the girl you like to be your mother or any other family member (though it does not exclude them), it seems as though this expresses a lack – a desire for physical intimacy – and connotes a troublesome clinging to your feminine side, hence the pseudo-menstrual stigmata. This coupled with the general symbolism of blood is an emotional cry for help. More specifically, it means one you have phallic issues. There are two modes of action you may take. You need to begin to stop peeing sitting down. It is time you man up and stop being gay about pussy and that is the first step. If you are still having recurring dreams of this nature, you must give in and get “the chop” so as to live your life as a woman, yet surely in a gay relationship.

if i eat froot loops for a week, will my shit come out as a rainbow?

In all seriousness, it will be green. Tried and tested.

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

A time zone refers to the 24 Earth regions which occur every 15 degrees to correspond to the passage of the Earth around the Sun. Considering the fact that all manned space missions have been within Earth’s orbit yet traveling about the Earth at a disparate rate, astronauts have never needed to conform to the confines of any given time zone. The lacking gravity is telling enough: there are no rules in space. During the Cold War arms and space races, both the United States and Soviet Union space programs pursued (only recently declassified) covert reconnaissance missions, though only the Soviets had successful manned operations. These missions included a space station outfitted with a defense cannon. The potential show of military strength and the well documented cosmic littering from these missions beyond the reaches of the Earth’s atmosphere goes to show that space is a lawless frontier. With this precedent of lacking time zones, gravity, and other implications, it is no surprise that space is beyond legal jurisdictions and thus intergalactic rape is a victimless crime. This is a fact not only proven, but championed by R&D Engineer Marshall Barnes.

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Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

Does the pope shit in the woods?

The phrase “does the Pope shit in the woods?” is one of obscure origin, nonetheless, it was first widely disseminated in the cult film by Joel and Ethan Coen, The Big Lebowski. In spite of historiographic speculation about medieval European sewage and the seat of the papacy, most agree that the phrase is an amalgam of two earlier ones intended as rhetorical tautologies: “does a bear shit in the woods?” and “is the Pope Catholic?” Seeing as the Catholic Church has an arcane history as the parent organization of NAMBLA, there is more obscure and subversive phrasing used amongst the occult elite: “is the Pope a bear?” So what this all boils down to is that whether or not the Pope defecates in the Latial countryside is arbitrary. Does the Pope advocate fucking little boys? Yes.

As a black male, how do I find an Indian woman who will sleep with me?

Don’t pretend like you’ve never heard of rape.

do you infidel boys think you are going to get away with this drawing contest? be seeing you soon.

I suppose you are referring to the Weedsteeler sponsored “Draw the Prophet Contest” to draw Muhammad. I suppose this contest is controversial for the traditional aniconist doctrine particular to Sunni Moslems which forbids the depiction of Allah, Muhammad, and for some more stringent interpretations the depiction of all living creatures. Of course the advent of mass media has posed a clash to cultural identities from this archaic doctrine, provoking angst from the Dar al-Islam. The Shia denomination has coped better when afronted with such imagery, yet Sunni tradition barring imagery of all living creatures is wholly out of step with the semiotics of post-modern technological society. The fact that we do not live in a religious state, let alone a Sunni one, gives no ground for legalities and therefore we will not be seeing you in court. This leaves few alternatives for grounds in which we might meet and I suppose we can rule out matters of business and socializing. In other words, “come find me, goddammit.”

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Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

why does she keep farting on me?

In the wake of the Visigoth sack of Rome in 410 CE, St. Augustine of Hippo wrote the treatise De Civitate Dei contra Paganos, “The City of God against the Pagans.” Within this work, which provided a “state of the union” pertaining to Christianity with regard to other religions as well as the Roman social clime, Augustine characterizes a conflict between the “City of God” and the “City of Man.” In his depiction of these disparate societies, Augustine digresses into theological musings in which he mentions people who “have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Augustine further notes that this is a trait now lost from a lacking body control attributed to original sin. Now as for this ‘she’ you reference, to speak in these Christian terms (unfortunately), I ask you the rhetorical question: what sort of depravity might cause her to lose the simple bodily control of her anus?

So what is it like being a white man?
It’s like a dream come true.

If I eat a hobo will I fail a breathalyzer immediately afterward?

You will fail a breathalyzer by forfeit as septic shock will set in immediately.

At what point in years can you die of old age?

It might be pointed out that old age is not a scientifically recognized cause of death. With that said, the colloquialism of dying of old age presupposes certain cultural parameters for gauging youth and senescence. A given population’s indeces for life expectancy will largely determine old age therein. Nonetheless, still an age specific to a given year as a demarcation between old age and a more youthful epoch seems entirely arbitrary. Yet, there certainly are undeniable consequences of the aging process, one of them being death. Why is it that we are plagued by mortality? From an evolutionary perspective, statistically, there is an ever increasing probability as we age that predation, disease, and accidents will cause poor health or death. Therefore, natural selection would favor genes that are expressed early in life. This is believed to be the case for a “biological investment” in reproduction rather than a homeodynamic maintenance of the body. Thus, the genome would largely preserve in the human population the genetic mutations that dispose individuals to various cancers and other degenerative diseases expressed later in life – individuals will have typically reproduced by the time these genetic anomalies can potentially interfere. In any case, to answer the question in a quantifiable figure: one day of life is already one too many.

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

Hot dogs have been menu items at a few varied locations as opted for by the franchise-holder, yet by and large they are absent ever since the McDonald’s corporation former CEO Ray Kroc deemed them an unhygienic food and prohibited their sale. It’s scary when McDonald’s deems it unhygienic, amirite?

my half-sister sleeps with black men, how can i use this to prove that i am not a racist?

You would have to sleep with her. She’s only a half sister, so it isn’t as arousing as full fledged incest. Anyhow, best of luck to you.

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Dear Weed$teeler

Please submit all questions at http://www.formspring.me/weedsteeler

why do my bananas rot quicker than my roommates?

You may have left out a significant apostrophe from your question differentiating a query about your roommate’s rotting carcass or the bananas belonging to your roommate(s) that are rotting. Nonetheless, I will answer your question as it is phrased pertaining to why your bananas rot quicker than the bodies of your roommates: bananas are nature’s AIDS victims.

why do I hate everyone?

This is because people are nature’s garbage. Also, you’re probably ugly and spiteful.

Why do you guys hate us merchants so much?

Merchants are nature’s cops. Everyone hates cops.

why do deer eat tulips? is my dad gay for planting flowers?

Deer are nature’s nihilists. They set out to destroy all things that are beautiful and some are even driven by existential dread to self-sacrifice on tarmac roadways.

Your father is either gay or a horticulturalist who is maintaining his trade from the days when he grew his own substances which are now controlled by the Drug Enforcement Administration. If your dad picks flowers and arranges them for his own amusement, your birth was a fluke and he was not yet in touch with his inner self. Tough luck.

So comes de garcones did black and navy. Does that make it ok? I still think they clash.

Black and navy do not always clash. In fact, black and blue go hand-in-hand after a clash. However, this color pairing is in actuality nature’s prison stripes – a uniform of shame.

why does she keep farting on me?

In the wake of the Visigoth sack of Rome in 410 CE, St. Augustine of Hippo wrote the treatise De Civitate Dei contra Paganos, “The City of God against the Pagans.” Within this work, which provided a “state of the union” pertaining to Christianity with regard to other religions as well as the Roman social clime, Augustine characterizes a conflict between the “City of God” and the “City of Man.” In his depiction of these disparate societies, Augustine digresses into theological musings in which he mentions people who “have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Augustine further notes that this is a trait now lost from a lacking body control attributed to original sin. Now as for this ‘she’ you reference, to speak in these Christian terms (unfortunately), I ask you the rhetorical question: what sort of depravity might cause her to lose the simple bodily control of her anus?

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