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NFL Playoffs: All Bets Are On

The regular season is over and it will be missed but the last two weeks of second stringers fucking off was terrible. There were teams that weren’t playing for anything (ahem, Bengals) and put up awful numbers. Fuck all that, it’s the playoffs. Bet your house, bet your car and if you don’t have either….who cares? You have to live a little. The mob will likely break your knee caps and with medical technology you’ll likely be in better shape after the fact. Worse, you may wind up in a body bag but the way the global economy is going, who cares? Win win situation.

AFC: 5. New York at 4. Cincinnati, Sat. 4:30 p.m. ET (NBC)- a repeat of that total piece of shit from Sunday night. If you are a betting person, how can your inner dago deny the Jets? Who dey that had 7 first half yards? Fuck off.

NFC: 6. Philadelphia at 3. Dallas, Sat. 8 p.m. ET (NBC)- another repeat of that total piece of shit from Sunday afternoon. Could Philly look any worse? Had they won, they would have won the division and earned a first round bye but no, they get blanked by the Cowboys who won the division. This game is a tough choice because the Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game since I was in high school. Bet Cowboys but don’t watch the game. Take your family out to eat because it may be the last time you see them alive.

AFC: 6. Baltimore at 3. New England, Sun. 1 p.m. ET (CBS)- Tom Brady has a broken finger and some broken ribs and no one has raised a fucking eyebrow over domestic abuse. Gisele Bundchen probably busted dude up. If there is one thing we have learned from Tiger, don’t make foreign hookers your wife because they will fuck your shit up. Ravens.

NFC: 5. Green Bay at 4. Arizona, Sun. 4:40 p.m. ET (Fox)- Jesus, another repeat of a crummy game. Bet on the Packers because no one knows which version of the Cardinals will show up. It doesn’t help the Cards drink Peyote Gatorade before every game in an attempt to channel their spirit animal and their spirit animal is a shrew.

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NFL Week 17: Finals Week

Week 16 featured all sorts of insanity that only the final two weeks of the regular season can provide. Many teams will be phonining it in this week after having their playoff balloon bubble get popped. Despite all the teams that are out of the running and teams that are resting their starters there are still teams trying to clinch and make a run at it. I really hate the teams that rest their stars because it is virtually impossible to pick a clear winner with reason.

Colts (14-1)/ Bills (5-10)- this game will be utter garbage. Bills will win because Colts will have their children starting.

Steelers (8-7)/ Dolphins (7-8)- I was trying to understand the playoff hunt in the AFC and I can safely say I don’t care. Steelers need a win, 3 teams to lose, an eclipse and a cure for cancer to get in the playoffs. They’ll get the win but that’s it.

Patriots (10-5)/ Texans (8-7)- if Pats rest their starters, Texans.

Bears (*-*)/ Lions (2-13)- Hopelessness. Despair. Fuck it man, I’m so against the Cutler and the Bears it’s not even funny. Lions.

Falcons (8-7)/ Buccaneers (3-12)- sports equivalent of people who celebrate the birthdays of dead children. Weird and unecesary. Falcons.

49ers (7-8)/ Rams (1-14)- Rams don’t start their starters either to ensure a 1st pick in the draft. I doubt they would do that but I would! Niners.

Jaguars (7-8)/ Browns (4-11)- lake effect snow machine puts the hurt on the Jags. Maybe the first time I’ve picked Clevo this season, Browns.

Saints (13-2)/ Panthers (7-8)- does this have any implication in 1st/2nd seed? I’m still leaning Saints but I suspect a good game.

Giants (8-7)/ Vikings (*-*) same question as above. Vikes.

Ravens (8-7)/ Raiders (5-10)- Ravens need this to secure a spot. Raiders will put up a big fight and not just beating up women and staff. They will play actual sports. Ravens in a retardedly close match.

Chiefs (3-12)/ Broncos (8-7)- I want the Chiefs to win this soooo bad just to dump all over the false Broncos. I don’t think my christmas wish will come true.

Packers (10-5)/ Cardinals (10-5)- I’m going Packers in a game that will likely occur again next week in the playoffs.

Eagles (11-4)/ Cowboys (10-5)- I like the Eagles in this.

Titans (7-8)/ Seahawks (5-10)- unecesary, like the three naps I took before noon today. Titans.

Redskins (4-11)/ Chargers (12-3)- Skins are a mess like whoa. Chargers.

Bengals (10-5)/ Jets (8-7)- Bengals will likely rest starters so Jets are fighting for their lives. Tune in and watch Rex Ryan sweat grease from his forhead, wipe bread on it and eat it. Jets.

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NFL Week Six Six Sixteen

Yesterday was such an out of control football day. Chargers/ Bengals fantastic (almost switched my pick but decided to let the Chargers roll it out). Packers/ Steelers was a nailbiter (Rothlesberger is one of the best in two minute drills). Raiders toppled the Broncos (who would have thunk it… besides yours truly). Anyhow, fuck all that because the birth of a hobo is upon us. Short work week for most of us so forget all the talking. Picks….

Chargers (11-3)/ Titans (7-7)- oh look, a Friday night game on the NFL network. This is one of those storybook games of two teams riding high. It will take a Christmas miracle for the Titans to win.

Panthers (6-8)/ Giants (*-*)- this depends on what version of the Panthers shows up. I suspect that Eli’s balls to drop as a Christmas gift thus allowing the Giants to defeat the Panthers (who looked really good last night).

Seahawks (5-9)/ Packers (9-5)-Packers.

Texans (7-7)/ Dolphins (7-7)- down to the nitty gritty with these two teams. This will be the game to knock one of them out of the running. I’ll take the Texans for the win.

Ravens (8-6)/ Steelers (7-7)- when these two teams get together, one can expect totally punishing football. Whoever loses will likely be out of the playoff race (both are on the cusp to begin with). I’ll take Pittsburgh.

Chiefs (3-11)/ Bengals (9-5)- don’t sleep on the Chiefs! AFC West teams have been giving the AFC North fits all season long. That said, I’ll still go with the Bengals.

Bills (5-9)/ Falcons (7-7)- aww look, Santa brought you nothing and that is exactly what you’ll receive from watching this game. Falcons.

Jaguars (7-7)/ Patriots (9-5)- Jacksonville take their team of murderers on the road to New England to get massacred by some Puritans all in the name of Christianity.

Bucaneers (2-12)/ Saints (13-1) Bucs are riding a one game winning streak and the Saints are on a one game losing streak. What are the odds that these streaks end with this game? Saints.

Raiders (5-9)/ Browns (3-11)- Abortion of the Week: the game no one wants. Raiders.

Lions (2-12)/ 49ers (6-8)- there is only one more week in which I will have to write about the Lions. Until then, I will be terminally depressed. 49ers.

Rams (1-13)/ Cardinals (9-5)- Rams- you are almost there. The top pick in the draft is almost in your hands. Can you lose two more? The stats are in your favor. Cardinals try and try to lose this game but….don’t.

Jets (7-7)/ Colts (14-0)- did anyone watch the Falcons/ Jets? Christ, I wanted to die. it was 7-3 for nearly the entire game with non-stop punting. Ugh. Colts.

Broncos (8-6)/ Eagles (10-4)- here goes the Broncos season! The toilet is flushing slowly but they are circling the drain. Eagles.

Cowboys (9-5)/ Redskins (*-*)- hopefully this isn’t nearly as dreadful as their first encounter this season; a 7-6 win by Dallas. Cowboys will be victorious in the rematch. Sadly, this is the late game.

Vikings (11-3)/ Bears (5-9)- keep giving Farve prime time games and he forgets to show up. What an old coot! I keep thinking that the Bears could pull out an upset but I’m sticking Vikes.

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NFL Week 15: The Freshman 15

We’ve been getting a ton of New Orleans Saints traffic as of late. People have been searching “ugly Saints fans” among other great searches. Also, sorry to the misguided teens that searched “acne on my scrotum” and found my football picks. Good luck with the acne but check back on the regular as there is great content to be found on Weedsteeler: The Blog: The Lifestyle: The Deathstyle. Maybe the youth can become guest posters as an internship. We’ll have an essay contest. Holler at Satan. Pixxxxx.

Colts (13-0)/ Jaguars (7-6)- this game symbolizes the freshman 15. Colts come in lean and mean. Jaguars arrive after a night of heavy drinking and Taco Bell at 12 midnight capped with Hound Dogs at 6am. The vomiting does not help your figure or the notion that this game will be any good. Colts.

Cowboys (8-5)/ Saints (13-0)- this game mirrors the Colts game with the exception that the Cowboys will likely put up a better fight than the Jaguars. Cowboys are bloatin’ up fast. Saints.

Texans (6-7)/ Rams (1-12)- I was in class recently and someone brought Lunchables to class to eat. A real person, an adult, without any sort of apparent mental disability… Lunchables! That seemed like the coolest lunch ever when I was in 6th grade but then you’d crack open that meat and there would be WATER IN THE MEAT! The fuck? Why don’t you eat some heart disease too. Lunchables, the real freshman 15 grub, ya dig. Texans.

Falcons (6-7)/ Jets (7-6)- Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. It is almost time to pull that plug! Falcons are almost DOA. Jets have a faint pulse. The light is approaching. Jets win.

Bears (5-8)/ Ravens (7-6) – Bears are dead but I hope this is on my crummy tv so I can watch Jay Cutter throw some interceptions and get upset with his pasty self. Afterwards, he can drown his sorrows in multiple pints of Haagen Daas. Jay gettin his weight up. Ravens.

Browns (2-11)/ Chiefs (3-10)- this game isn’t “I ate so much at Thanksgiving I think I’m gonna puke” bad. It’s more, “I ate this whole goddamn sandwich and found mold on the bread on the last bite” bad. It’s the “inevitable, waiting for your stomach or anus to explode” bad. Chiefs.

Cardinals (*-*)/ Lions (2-11)- so lemme get this straight, often these two teams don’t have their games aired on televsion because no one in their area watches them sooooo can’t they just cancel the game? WHO THE FUCK WOULD KNOW IF IT DIDN’T HAPPEN? Cards.

Patriots (8-5)/ Bills (5-8) Bills are laying there in the dark, reeking of booze with Slim Jim wrappers all over the floor while a Mudvayne cd keeps skipping. Patriots are up and at ’em, marrying models and shit. Pats.

49ers (*-*)/ Eagles (9-4)- 49ers dropped out of college and are chilling at home with their drill instructor dad, Mike Singletary. He’s screaming at them to get a job while they just keep swilling booze they stole from Fallsburg Pizza and eating stale chips. Technically, not a freshman but blowing up real big nonetheless. Eagles.

Dolphins (7-6)/ Titans (6-7)- this could be a great game, They are both Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. I’m going to take the Titans but I feel that either team could pull out a win and whoever earns the win could likely land a Wild Card spot.

Bengals (9-4)/ Chargers (10-3)- Again, another great game with potentially, home field on the line. I like the Chargers in this. If Cinci had a healthier defense I would maybe say Cinci but Chargers are rolling right now.

Raiders (4-9)/ Broncos (8-5)- I’m taking the Raiders to upset the Broncos. I don’t have an explanation.

Packers (9-4) / Steelers (6-7)- I don’t think this will be a pretty one for Pittsburgh. Steelers have many problems this season and the Packers are riding a nice streak. Packers.

Bucaneers (1-12)/ Seahawks (5-8)- this is the equiavlent to the fish sandwich at Arby’s. Bad news and yet people still buy it. You’ll suffer from serious self hate afterward. Seahawks.

Vikings (11-2)/ Panthers (5-8)- I saw the commercial for this game last night. “The red hot Vikings play the Panthers”. C’mon, don’t sell me a false bill of goods here. True, the Vikings are playing great football this season but couldn’t the announcer said “…the Panthers from Carolina where obesity is more rampant than frontal nudity in the locker room.” or “…the Carolina Panthers who are more disappointing than life in general.”

Giants (7-6)/ Redskins (4-9)- Tom Coughlin of the Giants cracks me up. Dude looks like my grandfather and gives these looks like he would slap the shit out of Eli if Eli wasn’t a tattle-tale. I would guess he says stuff like, “IF YOU PUSSIES HAD TO FIGHT THE NAZI’S, WE’D ALL BE DEAD. GROW A PAIR AND GIVE ME 20. Giants.


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NFL Week 14: Seasonal Depression

Monday edition. Who cares if it’s before the monday night game? It’s not like I haven’t taken three naps today; I have. It’s not like I ate a ton of pizza as a snack; I have. I should be doing something productive other than studying elementary level math problems but hey that’s what I’m trying to get paid to do. Week 14 is here and so is winter. Seasonal depression is setting in; football season is almost over and it’s freezing so that means bust out the old space heater, put it on my chest and fall alseep on the floor. See you on the other side. Until then, PICKS!!!!

Pittsburgh (6-6)/ Cleveland (1-11)- hey, lookee there another crummy Thurday game. There is only one thing that is worse than this and that is the idea that Rivers Cuomo from Weezer survived and Cliff died. Steelers.

Panthers (5-7)/ Patriots (7-5)- ahh, winter depression is here and you know what that means?! It’s The Great Equilizer. Take any team that plays in a dome or resides south of the Mason-Dixon Line and put them in some cold weather and mix precipitation and then you’ll see who can play ball. Patriots.

Dolphins (6-6)/ Jaguars (7-5)- I was eating hot dogs on Sunday and the radio was on with an interview with J.Lo and it got me thinking about who buys “pop” music. It could be that I live in a bubble where that shit does not sell but really, who buys J. Lo albums (not counting Marc Anthony “gifts” to all his Dolphins players)? Why does she get paid when she can’t even stand up on live tv? Anyhow, the Dolphins are making a push and I like it. They’ll hammer out a win on Sunday.

Seahawks (5-7)/ Texans (5-7)- I’ve decided that I’ll write stories instead of writing about games that are crummy. Anyhow, once my brother and I went to go feed the animals in our barn. There were some new kittens and they had died. I never told Cameron that they were dead but I did tell him that they were asleep. Cameron was holding the dead kittens and trying to wake them up. I was crying with laughter. Cam said “They won’t wake up.” I said “They’re dead.” Cameron threw the dead cat. Sorry Cam.

Broncos (8-4)/ Colts (12-0)- more people believe that climate change is fake than  believe that the Broncos are a good team. Colts.

Jets (6-6)/ Bucaneers (1-11)- I’m picking Bucs because the Jets are lying around like they’ve been sentenced to 26 years in the Daygo equivalent of Alcatraz. I bet Italian prison is ill as fuck and that murderer girl just doesn’t know it. Every thursday is lasagna night with unlimited breadsticks. Eat shit, America.

Saints (12-0)/ Falcons (6-6)- why would you want box seats at a sporting event? If I were a Nola rapper, say…. Juvenile. I would want to sit at the 50 yard line, front and center. I guess you’d be seperate from all the mouth breathers but I’d prefer to see all this shit up close. Saints.

Bengals (9-3)/ Vikings (10-2)- did ya hear that? That is the air being let out of Farve. He’s landing. He can’t fly, it’s old man gas built up inside of him. Cinci is going for the throat in MN. Bengals as my upset pick.

Detroit (2-10)/ Ravens (*-*)-

Bills (4-8)/ Chiefs (3-9)- man, I was going to write about this fat kid I worked with and how Soft Cloth Car Wash ruined his date and almost got his ass kicked by a hair metal asian but it was sooooo long, like 5 paragraphs. My “column” is long as fuck anyway. Bills.

Packers (*-*)/ Bears (5-7)- I’m starting to think that Chicagoans want Rex Grossman back. That dude (and Jay Cutler coincidentally) have that skin that is super pasty and looks like a slug. God it is disgusting! Cutler lightweight resembles Mac from Mac N Me. Plus, WHERE IS HIS CHIN??? American alien crybaby football lame. Packers.

Rams (1-11)/ Titans (5-7)- I worked at a car wash for years. Lemme tell ya, working at a car wash you will meet the absolute dregs of society. My favorite dude was Rodney. Rodney was homeless and he lived in a tent by the Licking River. He was arrested for huffing paint on night at the car wash. One night, Rodney was out drinking and got into a fight. He was punched and fell and smashed his head open on a huge rock outside of a bar in Newark. Rodney died there. I went into work the next day and the boss told me the story of Rodney’s untimely death. I asked if we were going to the funeral. The boss said “Nope, paramedics brought Rodney back to life.” Rodney returned to work two days later complaining that the paramedics “should have let me fucking die.” Titans.

Redskins (3-9)/ Raiders (4-8)- Raiders.

Chargers (9-3)/ Cowboys (8-4)- uh oh, Chargers are awake and the Cowboys are asleep! Chargers.

Eagles (8-4)/ Giants (7-5)- Fighting for their lives like they terminal- game of the week. This will be a good one, I feel. The division could be on the line. I’m taking the Eagles.

Cardinals (8-4)/ 49ers (5-7)- really? Cards.


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NFL Week 13: Final Destination

What a wild weekend of football. Sadly, there are  four more weeks of regular season football. I’ll post my record tomorrow, until then pixxxxxxxx…… Again, I’m writing in advance of the Monday night game.

Jets (5-6)/ Bills (4-7)- fascinating thursday night match up. Two let-downs go head to head in a game that means less to the world than what Tiger “dranks” before he goes joyriding in his Escalade. Jets.

Eagles (7-4)/ Falcons (6-5)- game one of “Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal”. This one should land in the Eagles lap due to the injuries that the Falcons have. We’ll see who is inactive closer to Sunday.

Titans (5-6)/ Colts (11-0)- this is an intriguing game. Colts have already clinched so they may bench Manning and other starters to keep them in shape for their playoff run. I’m going Colts but I may switch if Manning is benched.

Broncos (7-4)/ Chiefs (3-8)- Broncos.

Texans (5-6)/ Jaguars (6-5)- this could be a “fighting for they lives” game but these two teams have already died twice. Someone has to die a third time on Sunday. I’m guessing the Jaguars will get murdaaahhhed.

Lions (2-9)/Bengals (8-3)- only in fucking Ohio do we get to sit through the Browns/ Lions, Raiders/ Bengals, Packers/ Lions, Browns/ Bengals,  and Lions/ Bengals in consecutive weeks. Yeah, the Browns game was actually watchable but come on. Can we be punished any more? Hey world, take some jobs away too! I can only cut my wrists so many times before I bite the bullet. Bengals.

Buccaneers (1-10)/ Panthers (4-7)- why doesn’t anyone care about southern football? Racism, that’s why. Panthers.

Raiders (3-8)/ Steelers (6-5)- will Rothlesberger sit? I doubt it matters against the silver and black. Steelers.

Patriots (*-*)/Dolphins (5-6)- oh look, Miami. Oh, we gotta play crummy daygo-phins. Pats.

Rams (1-10)/ Bears (4-7)- Did I read that Jay Cutler has 20 interceptions? Sadly, I’m going to go Bears. Culter, here’s to another twenty.

Saints (*-*)/ Redskins (3-8)- so, like…who gives a shit? Saints.

Chargers (8-3)/ Browns (1-10)- hey look, part two of the suicide double header. This will be shown on a real tv and yet no one will watch. Sadly, there are NO OTHER AFC games at this time. The fuck? Ohio gets dumped on yet again. Hey, how about this one? LeBron, go ahead leave. The fuck outta here. We don’t want a championship (sniff sniff). You know what weird high school girls say “If you love it and it comes back, then it’s true love.” Whoever wrote that has NEVER WATCHED A BROWNS GAME. FML FNFL FTV.

49ers (5-6)/ Seahawks (4-7)- you may not remember from “The Chronic” but there is a reference to a rapper named Lil 1/2 Dead. My Bebe’s Kids roommates did not believe that there was such a rapper and this was before everyone on earth used the internet to answer the most basic questions ie: Is This Sean Paul’s dick and why is it in my pocket? Anyhow, after digging around at work, I found the Lil 1/2 Dead LP. I didn’t play it because I don’t want to hear it. Interestingly enough, according to wikkipedia….

His performing name is not based on the character Half Dead in the film Penitentiary (1979), but on his older brother Big Half Dead, who is now deceased.

Point being, both of these teams are more than a Lil’ 1/2 Dead. 49ers.

Cowboys (8-3) /Giants (6-5)- ok, so the Giants went to TX and ruined the grand opening of the Cowboys stadium. Now it’s Dallas’ turn to throw dirt on the grave of the Giants playoff hopes.

Vikings (10-1)/ Cardinals (7-4)- I would suspect that the Cards aren’t even going to show up for this game. Their fans won’t either. Yet, it is the Sunday Night Game on NBC.  Vikes.

Ravens (6-5)/ Packers (7-4)- “Fighing For They Lives Like They Terminal” game two. Agghh… Pack.

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NFL Week 12: Pizza Edition, Kind of

I just finished a grueling physics final and I’m off to my math final, which consists of a pizza party. Stoked. Anyhow, fuck life. Have a good holiday and hail satan. I’m writing this before the monday night game because it’s a short week. As usual, I’ll post my record tomorrow night.

Packers (6-4)/ Lions (2-8)- this is the thanks we NFL fans get, Packers v. Lions… I’m lucky, my aunt is a Lions fan. Last Thanksgiving she wore a ski mask to dinner. Not over her face but on top of her head. I get to spend the day with her and somehow this game will be better because of her lunacy. I just hope she brings an appetizer of Little Caesars pizza as she has been known to do. Sorry Audrey, Packers win.

Raiders (3-7)/ Dallas (7-3)- I may eat my weight in turkey so I don’t have to sit through two lame games. I wish I had done that for the Skins/ Cowboys game on Sunday but it’s football and it will be on regardless. In two months, I’ll be in a depression, jonesing for football sundays with nothing to look forward to. Schinzel can attest, being a NFL addict sucks. Cowboys.

Giants (6-4)/ Broncos (6-4)- who is the worse team? This game is light years beyond the other two but it is on NFL network. Does anyone have NFL network? I would suspect it is highlights of games, an occasional real game and interviews with former players who failed and now operate Sbarro franchises in the tri-state area or  hour long specials on The Most Dusted Raiders of 1994. Giants.

Panthers (4-6)/ Jets (4-6)- if this game were a pizza, it would be Pizza Hut buffet style. Eating is seems like a good idea but then your anus falls out and you go through a severe bout of self hate. Panthers.

Seahawks (3-7)/ Rams (1-9)- ohhh, look out for that dogshit. ‘Hawks.

Dolphins (5-5)/ Bills (3-7)- it’s getting cold out and these fairweather teams don’t do cold well. I’m going Bills.

Browns (1-9)/ Bengals (7-3)- battle of Ohio and much like winter in Ohio expect a dismal game, an agonizing torture of imbecile plays. Bengals. I just read Mangini is accusing the Lions of faking injuries during the game last week. This motherfucker probably sees Fazoli’s oasis’ on every other block. GTFO, you pig.

Colts (10-0)/ Texans (*-*)- fuck it. I’m going Texans.

Buccaneers (1-9)/ Falcons (5-5)- Little Caesars of Sunday. You know it will suck and you may get it anyway. My advice, get the crazy bread, eff the pizza and get out early. Falcons.

Redskins (3-7)/ Eagles (6-4)- like this shit should be sure money with the Eagles but I’m scared. I’m still going Eagles but this is like investing in limited edition Metallica cds, one wrong bet and your homeless.

Jaguars (6-4)/ 49ers (4-6)-  one thing I will never understand is the television show JAG. It was cancelled from CBS and then appeared on ABC for years. I hate that show so fucking much. Jaguars murdah.

Chiefs (3-7)/ Chargers (7-3)- once I went to El Dorado’s because they had a sign that advertised pizza. As I was walking in, there was a sign posted that said “ABSOLUTELY NO DOGS.” I dunno, I have a dog and taking it to the bar would never cross my mind but people are stupid. Upon entering El Dorado’s, some moustached dude is like “Where do you want to sit; farting or non farting?” Then this HUGE dog started jumping on me. I asked “Do you have pizza?” and he said “Yeah, it’s microwaveable from Big Bear. How many do you want?” With that, I turned and left. Moral of the story, some things are better experienced on halucinogens. This game is one of them. Chargers.

Bears (4-6)/ Vikings (9-1)- Told ya Culter would melt down against the Eagles. He makes everything look so goddamn painful. Speaking of pain, Farve is going to run wild on the Bears.

Cardinals (7-3)/ Titans (*-*)- Cards have been decent on the road and this will be no different in this Cardinal win.

Steelers (6-4)/ Ravens (5-5)- “fighting for their lives like they terminal” game of the week. Can this division have any more fuck-ups? Christ. I’m picking Steelers because I’ve worn  my Steelers shirt two sundays in a row and they’ve lost.

Patriots (7-3)/ Saints (10-0)- Sadly, a monday night game and I don’t have cable. I’m going Saints against my better judgement.


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