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NFL Week 15: The Freshman 15

We’ve been getting a ton of New Orleans Saints traffic as of late. People have been searching “ugly Saints fans” among other great searches. Also, sorry to the misguided teens that searched “acne on my scrotum” and found my football picks. Good luck with the acne but check back on the regular as there is great content to be found on Weedsteeler: The Blog: The Lifestyle: The Deathstyle. Maybe the youth can become guest posters as an internship. We’ll have an essay contest. Holler at Satan. Pixxxxx.

Colts (13-0)/ Jaguars (7-6)- this game symbolizes the freshman 15. Colts come in lean and mean. Jaguars arrive after a night of heavy drinking and Taco Bell at 12 midnight capped with Hound Dogs at 6am. The vomiting does not help your figure or the notion that this game will be any good. Colts.

Cowboys (8-5)/ Saints (13-0)- this game mirrors the Colts game with the exception that the Cowboys will likely put up a better fight than the Jaguars. Cowboys are bloatin’ up fast. Saints.

Texans (6-7)/ Rams (1-12)- I was in class recently and someone brought Lunchables to class to eat. A real person, an adult, without any sort of apparent mental disability… Lunchables! That seemed like the coolest lunch ever when I was in 6th grade but then you’d crack open that meat and there would be WATER IN THE MEAT! The fuck? Why don’t you eat some heart disease too. Lunchables, the real freshman 15 grub, ya dig. Texans.

Falcons (6-7)/ Jets (7-6)- Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. It is almost time to pull that plug! Falcons are almost DOA. Jets have a faint pulse. The light is approaching. Jets win.

Bears (5-8)/ Ravens (7-6) – Bears are dead but I hope this is on my crummy tv so I can watch Jay Cutter throw some interceptions and get upset with his pasty self. Afterwards, he can drown his sorrows in multiple pints of Haagen Daas. Jay gettin his weight up. Ravens.

Browns (2-11)/ Chiefs (3-10)- this game isn’t “I ate so much at Thanksgiving I think I’m gonna puke” bad. It’s more, “I ate this whole goddamn sandwich and found mold on the bread on the last bite” bad. It’s the “inevitable, waiting for your stomach or anus to explode” bad. Chiefs.

Cardinals (*-*)/ Lions (2-11)- so lemme get this straight, often these two teams don’t have their games aired on televsion because no one in their area watches them sooooo can’t they just cancel the game? WHO THE FUCK WOULD KNOW IF IT DIDN’T HAPPEN? Cards.

Patriots (8-5)/ Bills (5-8) Bills are laying there in the dark, reeking of booze with Slim Jim wrappers all over the floor while a Mudvayne cd keeps skipping. Patriots are up and at ’em, marrying models and shit. Pats.

49ers (*-*)/ Eagles (9-4)- 49ers dropped out of college and are chilling at home with their drill instructor dad, Mike Singletary. He’s screaming at them to get a job while they just keep swilling booze they stole from Fallsburg Pizza and eating stale chips. Technically, not a freshman but blowing up real big nonetheless. Eagles.

Dolphins (7-6)/ Titans (6-7)- this could be a great game, They are both Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. I’m going to take the Titans but I feel that either team could pull out a win and whoever earns the win could likely land a Wild Card spot.

Bengals (9-4)/ Chargers (10-3)- Again, another great game with potentially, home field on the line. I like the Chargers in this. If Cinci had a healthier defense I would maybe say Cinci but Chargers are rolling right now.

Raiders (4-9)/ Broncos (8-5)- I’m taking the Raiders to upset the Broncos. I don’t have an explanation.

Packers (9-4) / Steelers (6-7)- I don’t think this will be a pretty one for Pittsburgh. Steelers have many problems this season and the Packers are riding a nice streak. Packers.

Bucaneers (1-12)/ Seahawks (5-8)- this is the equiavlent to the fish sandwich at Arby’s. Bad news and yet people still buy it. You’ll suffer from serious self hate afterward. Seahawks.

Vikings (11-2)/ Panthers (5-8)- I saw the commercial for this game last night. “The red hot Vikings play the Panthers”. C’mon, don’t sell me a false bill of goods here. True, the Vikings are playing great football this season but couldn’t the announcer said “…the Panthers from Carolina where obesity is more rampant than frontal nudity in the locker room.” or “…the Carolina Panthers who are more disappointing than life in general.”

Giants (7-6)/ Redskins (4-9)- Tom Coughlin of the Giants cracks me up. Dude looks like my grandfather and gives these looks like he would slap the shit out of Eli if Eli wasn’t a tattle-tale. I would guess he says stuff like, “IF YOU PUSSIES HAD TO FIGHT THE NAZI’S, WE’D ALL BE DEAD. GROW A PAIR AND GIVE ME 20. Giants.


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NFL Week 10: We’re Nearing The End

I’ll post my record later when I’m not in a rush. College physics is wrecking shop and I gotta work today. Tough, right?

Bears (4-4)/ 49ers (3-5)- first, this is one of those stupid NFL network only, Thursday night games. Really? You mean I gotta eat roughly 45 chicken wings from Thursday to Monday? NFL Network is an aid to morbid obesity. Boycott. This game will be good to see who will implode first. I’m guessing Bears fall apart. 49ers, please don’t let me down.

Jaguars (4-4)/ Jets (4-4)- Kohl’s leather trench wearing murderer v. slobby dude with untucked and wrinkled Hagar button ups. You two make me ashamed to be a human. I’m siding murderer (Jags) since murder is so hot right now.

Lions (1-7)/ Vikings (7-1)- one shitty dome teams plays a good dome team part 1. Vikes.

Buccaneers (1-7)/ Dolphins (3-5)- Florida teams get outta here. These teams make my minds hurt. Dolphins. Save everyone the grief and just go to Epcott Center.

Broncos (6-2)/ Redskins (2-6)- you know, I would like to see a three game skid outta the Broncos but these ‘Skins ain’t shit right now.

Falcons (5-3)/ Panthers (3-5)- Panthers are such a non factor. Do they have fans besides people that receive aid from the Red Cross? Falcons….easy.

Bills (3-5)/ Titans (2-6)- all cutters are on board with Grim Vince and the Titans. True story; there is some girl in my college math class that was informing me about her bout with depression and more interestingly, celebrity cutters. Did you know Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp were both cutters? Allegedly John’s scars helped him land the job in Edward Scissorhands. This stupid fact brought to you by Goth Entertainment ¬†Tonight is waay more interesting than this Titans win.

Saints (8-0)/ Rams (1-7)- one shitty dome team plays a good dome team, round 2. Saints.

Bengals (6-2)/ Steelers (6-2)- this one is for all the marbles in the division. Bengals can sew this up with a win that they will not get. Steelers secondary is alive and well. There’s gonna be a showdown in the steel city. Goddamn, I have to work…

Chiefs (1-7)/ Raiders (2-6)- there are days when I get down on humanity. I went to Ikea last weekend and people were crazed.¬†I was really pissed off when I left due to people acting like heathens. Tons of out of touch suburbanites being out of touch, walking toward light fixtures like it was the light at the end of the tunnel without any regard toward people that might cross their paths. There were cripples everywhere. There were people who couldn’t control their crippled children. That place is like Lowes with a maze in it meets Dawn of the Dead. If I were 75, hopeless with nothing to do I would hang out and eat in the cafe all day and watch people act like animals. That hopelessness encompasses this game. Switch channels, there will be no highlites. Raiders.

Seahawks (3-5)/ Cardinals (5-3)- Seahawks are 0-3 on the road. Cards are 1-3 at home. Cards?

Eagles (5-3)/ Chargers (5-3)- two teams that can’t string together decent wins. I really don’t want to write about this. Eagles.

Cowboys (6-2)/ Packers (4-4)- people were stoked on the Pack for this season and they have been a let down. Cowboys are going to be all over them and their pourous offensive line.

Patriots (6-2)/ Colts (8-0)- best rivalry of the past 8 years or so. I’m glad this is the late game. I like the Colts in this but if there is anyone that can mess up a perfect season, it would be the Pats.

Ravens (4-4)/ Browns (1-7)- I’d be pretty pissed off if I were a Browns fan. My mom was smart and jumped ship when the original Browns moved to B-more. Ravens will look really good against the Browns but that’s like saying, which would you eat brains or dog shit?

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