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NFL Week 16 Picks: Was The Movie ‘Collapse’ About The NY Giants?

Holiday rush an order of collapse to the New Meadowlands stat!!!

Not an Eagles fan but goddamn. I was rolling with laughter watching Vick destroy everything. Thought my $$$ on the Eagles was gonna get me some broken kneecaps but what an ending. NFL= STILL ILL.
I could wax poetic about this week forever but we ain’t got time for all that…PICKS!
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NFL Week 11: Bills Celebrate & Decapitate

Bills owners show off their 2010 trophy marking the 1st win for the season.

Wild week. Megaslaughters left and right and all sorts of other hijinks abound. Hail Mary win for Jags, Cowboys beasting, Browns nearly getting it done. Wild out. Crushing my $$$$$ league. Picks…
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NFL Week Six Six Sixteen

Yesterday was such an out of control football day. Chargers/ Bengals fantastic (almost switched my pick but decided to let the Chargers roll it out). Packers/ Steelers was a nailbiter (Rothlesberger is one of the best in two minute drills). Raiders toppled the Broncos (who would have thunk it… besides yours truly). Anyhow, fuck all that because the birth of a hobo is upon us. Short work week for most of us so forget all the talking. Picks….

Chargers (11-3)/ Titans (7-7)- oh look, a Friday night game on the NFL network. This is one of those storybook games of two teams riding high. It will take a Christmas miracle for the Titans to win.

Panthers (6-8)/ Giants (*-*)- this depends on what version of the Panthers shows up. I suspect that Eli’s balls to drop as a Christmas gift thus allowing the Giants to defeat the Panthers (who looked really good last night).

Seahawks (5-9)/ Packers (9-5)-Packers.

Texans (7-7)/ Dolphins (7-7)- down to the nitty gritty with these two teams. This will be the game to knock one of them out of the running. I’ll take the Texans for the win.

Ravens (8-6)/ Steelers (7-7)- when these two teams get together, one can expect totally punishing football. Whoever loses will likely be out of the playoff race (both are on the cusp to begin with). I’ll take Pittsburgh.

Chiefs (3-11)/ Bengals (9-5)- don’t sleep on the Chiefs! AFC West teams have been giving the AFC North fits all season long. That said, I’ll still go with the Bengals.

Bills (5-9)/ Falcons (7-7)- aww look, Santa brought you nothing and that is exactly what you’ll receive from watching this game. Falcons.

Jaguars (7-7)/ Patriots (9-5)- Jacksonville take their team of murderers on the road to New England to get massacred by some Puritans all in the name of Christianity.

Bucaneers (2-12)/ Saints (13-1) Bucs are riding a one game winning streak and the Saints are on a one game losing streak. What are the odds that these streaks end with this game? Saints.

Raiders (5-9)/ Browns (3-11)- Abortion of the Week: the game no one wants. Raiders.

Lions (2-12)/ 49ers (6-8)- there is only one more week in which I will have to write about the Lions. Until then, I will be terminally depressed. 49ers.

Rams (1-13)/ Cardinals (9-5)- Rams- you are almost there. The top pick in the draft is almost in your hands. Can you lose two more? The stats are in your favor. Cardinals try and try to lose this game but….don’t.

Jets (7-7)/ Colts (14-0)- did anyone watch the Falcons/ Jets? Christ, I wanted to die. it was 7-3 for nearly the entire game with non-stop punting. Ugh. Colts.

Broncos (8-6)/ Eagles (10-4)- here goes the Broncos season! The toilet is flushing slowly but they are circling the drain. Eagles.

Cowboys (9-5)/ Redskins (*-*)- hopefully this isn’t nearly as dreadful as their first encounter this season; a 7-6 win by Dallas. Cowboys will be victorious in the rematch. Sadly, this is the late game.

Vikings (11-3)/ Bears (5-9)- keep giving Farve prime time games and he forgets to show up. What an old coot! I keep thinking that the Bears could pull out an upset but I’m sticking Vikes.

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NFL Week 15: The Freshman 15

We’ve been getting a ton of New Orleans Saints traffic as of late. People have been searching “ugly Saints fans” among other great searches. Also, sorry to the misguided teens that searched “acne on my scrotum” and found my football picks. Good luck with the acne but check back on the regular as there is great content to be found on Weedsteeler: The Blog: The Lifestyle: The Deathstyle. Maybe the youth can become guest posters as an internship. We’ll have an essay contest. Holler at Satan. Pixxxxx.

Colts (13-0)/ Jaguars (7-6)- this game symbolizes the freshman 15. Colts come in lean and mean. Jaguars arrive after a night of heavy drinking and Taco Bell at 12 midnight capped with Hound Dogs at 6am. The vomiting does not help your figure or the notion that this game will be any good. Colts.

Cowboys (8-5)/ Saints (13-0)- this game mirrors the Colts game with the exception that the Cowboys will likely put up a better fight than the Jaguars. Cowboys are bloatin’ up fast. Saints.

Texans (6-7)/ Rams (1-12)- I was in class recently and someone brought Lunchables to class to eat. A real person, an adult, without any sort of apparent mental disability… Lunchables! That seemed like the coolest lunch ever when I was in 6th grade but then you’d crack open that meat and there would be WATER IN THE MEAT! The fuck? Why don’t you eat some heart disease too. Lunchables, the real freshman 15 grub, ya dig. Texans.

Falcons (6-7)/ Jets (7-6)- Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. It is almost time to pull that plug! Falcons are almost DOA. Jets have a faint pulse. The light is approaching. Jets win.

Bears (5-8)/ Ravens (7-6) – Bears are dead but I hope this is on my crummy tv so I can watch Jay Cutter throw some interceptions and get upset with his pasty self. Afterwards, he can drown his sorrows in multiple pints of Haagen Daas. Jay gettin his weight up. Ravens.

Browns (2-11)/ Chiefs (3-10)- this game isn’t “I ate so much at Thanksgiving I think I’m gonna puke” bad. It’s more, “I ate this whole goddamn sandwich and found mold on the bread on the last bite” bad. It’s the “inevitable, waiting for your stomach or anus to explode” bad. Chiefs.

Cardinals (*-*)/ Lions (2-11)- so lemme get this straight, often these two teams don’t have their games aired on televsion because no one in their area watches them sooooo can’t they just cancel the game? WHO THE FUCK WOULD KNOW IF IT DIDN’T HAPPEN? Cards.

Patriots (8-5)/ Bills (5-8) Bills are laying there in the dark, reeking of booze with Slim Jim wrappers all over the floor while a Mudvayne cd keeps skipping. Patriots are up and at ’em, marrying models and shit. Pats.

49ers (*-*)/ Eagles (9-4)- 49ers dropped out of college and are chilling at home with their drill instructor dad, Mike Singletary. He’s screaming at them to get a job while they just keep swilling booze they stole from Fallsburg Pizza and eating stale chips. Technically, not a freshman but blowing up real big nonetheless. Eagles.

Dolphins (7-6)/ Titans (6-7)- this could be a great game, They are both Fighting For They Lives Like They Terminal. I’m going to take the Titans but I feel that either team could pull out a win and whoever earns the win could likely land a Wild Card spot.

Bengals (9-4)/ Chargers (10-3)- Again, another great game with potentially, home field on the line. I like the Chargers in this. If Cinci had a healthier defense I would maybe say Cinci but Chargers are rolling right now.

Raiders (4-9)/ Broncos (8-5)- I’m taking the Raiders to upset the Broncos. I don’t have an explanation.

Packers (9-4) / Steelers (6-7)- I don’t think this will be a pretty one for Pittsburgh. Steelers have many problems this season and the Packers are riding a nice streak. Packers.

Bucaneers (1-12)/ Seahawks (5-8)- this is the equiavlent to the fish sandwich at Arby’s. Bad news and yet people still buy it. You’ll suffer from serious self hate afterward. Seahawks.

Vikings (11-2)/ Panthers (5-8)- I saw the commercial for this game last night. “The red hot Vikings play the Panthers”. C’mon, don’t sell me a false bill of goods here. True, the Vikings are playing great football this season but couldn’t the announcer said “…the Panthers from Carolina where obesity is more rampant than frontal nudity in the locker room.” or “…the Carolina Panthers who are more disappointing than life in general.”

Giants (7-6)/ Redskins (4-9)- Tom Coughlin of the Giants cracks me up. Dude looks like my grandfather and gives these looks like he would slap the shit out of Eli if Eli wasn’t a tattle-tale. I would guess he says stuff like, “IF YOU PUSSIES HAD TO FIGHT THE NAZI’S, WE’D ALL BE DEAD. GROW A PAIR AND GIVE ME 20. Giants.

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NFL Week 12: Pizza Edition, Kind of

I just finished a grueling physics final and I’m off to my math final, which consists of a pizza party. Stoked. Anyhow, fuck life. Have a good holiday and hail satan. I’m writing this before the monday night game because it’s a short week. As usual, I’ll post my record tomorrow night.

Packers (6-4)/ Lions (2-8)- this is the thanks we NFL fans get, Packers v. Lions… I’m lucky, my aunt is a Lions fan. Last Thanksgiving she wore a ski mask to dinner. Not over her face but on top of her head. I get to spend the day with her and somehow this game will be better because of her lunacy. I just hope she brings an appetizer of Little Caesars pizza as she has been known to do. Sorry Audrey, Packers win.

Raiders (3-7)/ Dallas (7-3)- I may eat my weight in turkey so I don’t have to sit through two lame games. I wish I had done that for the Skins/ Cowboys game on Sunday but it’s football and it will be on regardless. In two months, I’ll be in a depression, jonesing for football sundays with nothing to look forward to. Schinzel can attest, being a NFL addict sucks. Cowboys.

Giants (6-4)/ Broncos (6-4)- who is the worse team? This game is light years beyond the other two but it is on NFL network. Does anyone have NFL network? I would suspect it is highlights of games, an occasional real game and interviews with former players who failed and now operate Sbarro franchises in the tri-state area or  hour long specials on The Most Dusted Raiders of 1994. Giants.

Panthers (4-6)/ Jets (4-6)- if this game were a pizza, it would be Pizza Hut buffet style. Eating is seems like a good idea but then your anus falls out and you go through a severe bout of self hate. Panthers.

Seahawks (3-7)/ Rams (1-9)- ohhh, look out for that dogshit. ‘Hawks.

Dolphins (5-5)/ Bills (3-7)- it’s getting cold out and these fairweather teams don’t do cold well. I’m going Bills.

Browns (1-9)/ Bengals (7-3)- battle of Ohio and much like winter in Ohio expect a dismal game, an agonizing torture of imbecile plays. Bengals. I just read Mangini is accusing the Lions of faking injuries during the game last week. This motherfucker probably sees Fazoli’s oasis’ on every other block. GTFO, you pig.

Colts (10-0)/ Texans (*-*)- fuck it. I’m going Texans.

Buccaneers (1-9)/ Falcons (5-5)- Little Caesars of Sunday. You know it will suck and you may get it anyway. My advice, get the crazy bread, eff the pizza and get out early. Falcons.

Redskins (3-7)/ Eagles (6-4)- like this shit should be sure money with the Eagles but I’m scared. I’m still going Eagles but this is like investing in limited edition Metallica cds, one wrong bet and your homeless.

Jaguars (6-4)/ 49ers (4-6)-  one thing I will never understand is the television show JAG. It was cancelled from CBS and then appeared on ABC for years. I hate that show so fucking much. Jaguars murdah.

Chiefs (3-7)/ Chargers (7-3)- once I went to El Dorado’s because they had a sign that advertised pizza. As I was walking in, there was a sign posted that said “ABSOLUTELY NO DOGS.” I dunno, I have a dog and taking it to the bar would never cross my mind but people are stupid. Upon entering El Dorado’s, some moustached dude is like “Where do you want to sit; farting or non farting?” Then this HUGE dog started jumping on me. I asked “Do you have pizza?” and he said “Yeah, it’s microwaveable from Big Bear. How many do you want?” With that, I turned and left. Moral of the story, some things are better experienced on halucinogens. This game is one of them. Chargers.

Bears (4-6)/ Vikings (9-1)- Told ya Culter would melt down against the Eagles. He makes everything look so goddamn painful. Speaking of pain, Farve is going to run wild on the Bears.

Cardinals (7-3)/ Titans (*-*)- Cards have been decent on the road and this will be no different in this Cardinal win.

Steelers (6-4)/ Ravens (5-5)- “fighting for their lives like they terminal” game of the week. Can this division have any more fuck-ups? Christ. I’m picking Steelers because I’ve worn  my Steelers shirt two sundays in a row and they’ve lost.

Patriots (7-3)/ Saints (10-0)- Sadly, a monday night game and I don’t have cable. I’m going Saints against my better judgement.

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NFL Week 11: Fuckin’ Assholes Are People Too

I’m doing this a day early because I have some free time and there is no way that the Browns are going to win tonight. Thems the breaks. I’ll tally my record later but again, it is atrocious. Picks….

Dolphins (4-5)/ Panthers (4-5)- Thursday night game…fuck off. Dolphins.

Steelers (6-3)/ Chiefs (2-7)- I’ve been taking classes at Otterbein and lemme tell you something… that shit compared to OSU is like this game. There are no bums at Otterbein and there are no bums on the Steelers team. That organization is some nice shit. Chiefs are run down, piss stained High St. They suck. It could be I’m a jaded asshole from working on High St. for a zillion years but seriously? It’s a dump ass wasteland.

Browns (1-8)/ Lions (1-8)- this is the High St bum. Somedays, when I have feelings, I think these guys get a bad rap. Then someone will take a shit in the stairwell of work and all bets are off. This game will be on my shitty tv. I’m off on Sunday. I’m going to cave my own skull in. Lions?

Saints (9-0)/ Buccaneers (1-8)-  Again, dumpy team plays a killer team. If this were a movie, it would be Beauty and the Beast with the ending of a suicide. Scratch that,  I was watching the news today and they interviewed that lady who had her face ripped off by a chimp. That is as fucked up as this game. That lady has to live without hands, eyes, and a face for the rest of her life.  The Bucs will be around forever as well, at least until 2012, when we all will die. Saints.

Falcons (5-4)/ Giants (5-4)- two teams that need a win. Remember those horny ass nerds in high school that would lie about ignorant ass shit to try and impress a girl? They needed laid or beat up. Throw that geek a fuck or beat the shit out of him to shut him up. Giants get laid, Falcons get beat up.

Bills (3-6)/ Jaguars (5-4)- this game has as much implication on the NFL as the Octo-mom has on real life. FML. FNFL. Jaguarssss muuuuuuurrrrrrrddddaaahhh.

49ers (4-5) Packers (5-4)- TWO TEAMS FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES LIKE THEY TERMINAL. PACKERS.

Seahaws (3-6)/ Vikings (8-1)- why is this game happening? Vikings.

Colts (9-0)/ Ravens (5-4)- some dumb ass reporter will bring up the rivalry from like WWII when the Colts left Baltimore for Indianapolis. Shut the fuck up. No one was even alive then to care. Colts.

Redskins (3-6)/ Cowboys (6-3)- Cowboys v. Indians again! Let’s ditch these stereotypes or introduce a Taliban themed team. Cowboys.

Cardinals (6-3)/ Rams (1-8)- CHHHHRRRIIIISTTT,this game is more annoying than “Beat Michigan” week. Cards.

Bengals (7-2)/ Raiders (2-7)- good news non-cable havers- this will be the second game on Channel 10. THIS IS WHAT I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO. My Sunday is the equivalent of going to a palm reader and them telling me I have AIDS or in other words, being in the new Final Destination Infinity: Real Life Shit.

Chargers (6-3)/ Broncos (6-3)- a decent game with divisional implications. I would watch it but Cinci is playing and it will be aired instead of this game. I’m going Chargers because I’m real good at making bad choices.

Jets (4-5)/ Patriots (6-3)- slob v slob mastermind aka battle of ill fitting clothed men with lumpy bodies (nh). Pats.

Eagles (5-4)/ Bears (4-5)- I saw this .gif of Cutler getting hit in the face by a ref on accident. It was really funny. That dude… goddamn, I do not like him kinda like I don’t like my neighbor because he looks like Pete Wentz. Eagles.

Titans (3-6)/ Texans (5-4)- I don’t want to write about this but I expect the Texans to shred the Titans.

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NFL Week 10: We’re Nearing The End

I’ll post my record later when I’m not in a rush. College physics is wrecking shop and I gotta work today. Tough, right?

Bears (4-4)/ 49ers (3-5)- first, this is one of those stupid NFL network only, Thursday night games. Really? You mean I gotta eat roughly 45 chicken wings from Thursday to Monday? NFL Network is an aid to morbid obesity. Boycott. This game will be good to see who will implode first. I’m guessing Bears fall apart. 49ers, please don’t let me down.

Jaguars (4-4)/ Jets (4-4)- Kohl’s leather trench wearing murderer v. slobby dude with untucked and wrinkled Hagar button ups. You two make me ashamed to be a human. I’m siding murderer (Jags) since murder is so hot right now.

Lions (1-7)/ Vikings (7-1)- one shitty dome teams plays a good dome team part 1. Vikes.

Buccaneers (1-7)/ Dolphins (3-5)- Florida teams get outta here. These teams make my minds hurt. Dolphins. Save everyone the grief and just go to Epcott Center.

Broncos (6-2)/ Redskins (2-6)- you know, I would like to see a three game skid outta the Broncos but these ‘Skins ain’t shit right now.

Falcons (5-3)/ Panthers (3-5)- Panthers are such a non factor. Do they have fans besides people that receive aid from the Red Cross? Falcons….easy.

Bills (3-5)/ Titans (2-6)- all cutters are on board with Grim Vince and the Titans. True story; there is some girl in my college math class that was informing me about her bout with depression and more interestingly, celebrity cutters. Did you know Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp were both cutters? Allegedly John’s scars helped him land the job in Edward Scissorhands. This stupid fact brought to you by Goth Entertainment  Tonight is waay more interesting than this Titans win.

Saints (8-0)/ Rams (1-7)- one shitty dome team plays a good dome team, round 2. Saints.

Bengals (6-2)/ Steelers (6-2)- this one is for all the marbles in the division. Bengals can sew this up with a win that they will not get. Steelers secondary is alive and well. There’s gonna be a showdown in the steel city. Goddamn, I have to work…

Chiefs (1-7)/ Raiders (2-6)- there are days when I get down on humanity. I went to Ikea last weekend and people were crazed. I was really pissed off when I left due to people acting like heathens. Tons of out of touch suburbanites being out of touch, walking toward light fixtures like it was the light at the end of the tunnel without any regard toward people that might cross their paths. There were cripples everywhere. There were people who couldn’t control their crippled children. That place is like Lowes with a maze in it meets Dawn of the Dead. If I were 75, hopeless with nothing to do I would hang out and eat in the cafe all day and watch people act like animals. That hopelessness encompasses this game. Switch channels, there will be no highlites. Raiders.

Seahawks (3-5)/ Cardinals (5-3)- Seahawks are 0-3 on the road. Cards are 1-3 at home. Cards?

Eagles (5-3)/ Chargers (5-3)- two teams that can’t string together decent wins. I really don’t want to write about this. Eagles.

Cowboys (6-2)/ Packers (4-4)- people were stoked on the Pack for this season and they have been a let down. Cowboys are going to be all over them and their pourous offensive line.

Patriots (6-2)/ Colts (8-0)- best rivalry of the past 8 years or so. I’m glad this is the late game. I like the Colts in this but if there is anyone that can mess up a perfect season, it would be the Pats.

Ravens (4-4)/ Browns (1-7)- I’d be pretty pissed off if I were a Browns fan. My mom was smart and jumped ship when the original Browns moved to B-more. Ravens will look really good against the Browns but that’s like saying, which would you eat brains or dog shit?

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